His face fell, losing the hint of amusement from before and softening into something earnest. “Do you want to talk about it?”
“Ireallydon’t.”
If only he knew all the layers pressed into that expensive stationery.
“That’s a cop-out,” he said, and I could tell by the way he said it there wasn’t a doubt in his mind. He wasn’t angry, though. He was pleading. “I don’t know what it means, but I know it’s why you won’t let me take you to dinner. Why you panic a little every time we’re having a good time.”
“I don’t panic—”
“You do. And I don’t care. I like you. I think I’ve made that pretty clear. But if you need to hear it again, Este, I like every version of you.”
Not for long.
Humiliating, hot tears started to well in my eyes. Because our friendship was about to be over. And I deserved what I got.
Beau reached into his pocket and held out an old, worn coin. “Here. My grandfather gave it to me when I was a kid. He lived down the street from us growing up. My mom had four kids, and our house could get noisy. In the third grade, I had a bully at school. I’d ride my bike to my grandfather’s house most afternoons. We’d sit on his porch and talk. He taught me how right and easy weren’t always the same. And he gave me this coin the day I stood up to my bully. Said it would bring me good luck. Maybe you need it more than I do.”
I blinked to keep the tears from falling. “You don’t have to stay, Beau,” I said, and my words came out shaky and pathetic. “I wouldn’t if I were you. But I’m sorry. I really am.”
“Take the coin, Este.” He stepped forward to press it into my hand. “It’s a binding contract now—a Buffalo Nickel Clause. Whatever you did or Simon did, I won’t tell anyone. Whatever he’s trying to cover up, you don’t have to keep it from me. But I think you need to tell someone. I can see that it’s destroying you. So you can tell me, and I promise I won’t tell anyone.”
The words ripped me in half, and I couldn’t hold back the tears anymore. He was the guy I should have waited for. But I had already ruined everything.
“Hey,” Beau soothed. “Whatever it is, the Buffalo Nickel Clause covers it.”
“So it’s a magical nickel?” I wiped my eyes, feeling defeated.
“I think it’s sacred, actually. Whatever you have to tell me, I won’t judge you.”
I knew he meant it. But after weeks of side quests, I knew him, too. He was kind. He was also deeply optimistic. He believed things worked out in the end, because people did the right thing. And I got the sense that the experiences that had shaped him showed him people were inherently good. The world was messy, but there was more good than evil. Harlan was a braggart, but InfoSynth still won. Beau had never been betrayed by a mentor. Never seen the worst parts of me. Never had a reason to think trusting your gut and diving in could lead you astray.
I can’t close my eyes and jump. Not after Simon. Not this time.
“What the hell did Simon do to you?” he asked.
“Simon’s not the one who fucked up,” I said. “I am.”
I stared down at the coin in my palm. It was warm and heavy, and I was sure I didn’t deserve it.
Beau might not like me after I told him the truth, but he was here. Making grand gestures and taking me unicycling. I owed him the truth.
“I slept with him,” I said, and saying the words out loud made my ears ring a little. “For, like, months. Like an idiot.”
When Beau didn’t look shocked, my stomach dropped.
“You knew.” My voice cracked on the realization. “How?”
“I didn’t know, but after I saw the way he looked at you in the conference room, I had a hunch,” Beau said quietly. “Honestly, I think it’s why he was so off his game. He wasn’t focused on InfoSynth. He was too focused on you.”
“That’s not actually possible, because it was never romantic. I told myself it was convenient. Maybe I thought it was a shortcut. But I was good at my job. Ilovedit.” I swallowed. “And then after the InfoSynth meeting, he dropped me. Didn’t even have the decency to tell me to my face.” I looked down at the card stock, searching for the umpteenth time for some trace of absolution.
“Maybe you’re more of a distraction than you think.”
“Doubtful,” I said, holding the coin back out to him. With trembling fingers, I tried to get Beau to take it. “Here. I’m not the kind of person you want to make pacts with. I’m the kind of person who sleeps with her boss.”
I thought getting fired hurt, but something told me losing Beau over Simon was going to be so much worse. But I had made my bed.
I reached for that familiar thought that men are temporary, but it did nothing to soothe me now.
