I shake my head. Of course he does.
The coffee is abysmal—more like dirt floating in hot water—but it helps to keep our hands warm, at least, while we sit on a snowy bench tucked against the boathouse.
“So, are you going to tell me why we’re here?” Penn asks,eyeing me over his foam cup. “Or was this all just a chance to humiliate me?”
I tuck my hair behind my ear, thrown off by the direct question.
Shrugging, I meet his eyes. “Isn’t it obvious?”
For a moment, Penn stays silent. Then he looks down at his hands and says, “You think about that night a lot, too. Don’t you?”
It’s what he said in the game.
I nod, my throat thick with emotion as I look out at the frozen lake. It’s easier to be here in the wintertime, when the landscape looks different than it did that night. Or maybe it’s easier today because I’ve learned how to separate that memory from the shame. Because, like another Penn in another universe once told me, I’ve remembered I’m human.
“I had a crush on you,” I say quietly. “That’s why I wanted to go that night.”
Penn turns. “What?”
I shake my head, unable to look at him. “Everything changed that summer. I thought I couldn’t stand you, but then suddenly, I couldn’t stand not being around you. I just—I liked you so much. Too much. And then everything went wrong.” I glance up, tears in my eyes. “It was an accident. I know that. But we could’ve lost him, and I did nothing. You took care of everything, Penn, and then I—I pushed you away. I punished you, just like I punished myself, because I felt guilty. It was my fault.”
His eyes soften. “Ruby…”
“We were kids,” I continue, “and it was a long time ago. But I’m so sorry for how I acted. I was angry, and I was scared, but it wasn’t about you. It was about me.”
Penn nods, thoughtful, and then he glances at me sideways. “You liked mesomuch?”
I huff out a laugh, swatting at him. “Shut up.”
Still grinning, he brings a hand to his chest. “I’m just saying, that feels like the pertinent information from your monologue—that you always had a crush on me.”
“Whoa, whoa. I didn’talwayshave a crush. A minor lapse in my otherwise perfect judgment.”
“Mm-hmm.” He winks. “Noted.”
“This,” I say, pointing at him. “This is why I couldn’t stand you.”
Penn sits back with a triumphant sigh. “Hey, you weren’t the only one rooting for us. Nanna had high hopes for you and me, too. She always said she’d bet on us.”
“Really?” I laugh. “Well, she did love to gamble.”
“And she was good at it, too,” Penn says, shooting me a loaded look.
“I miss her,” I tell him.
He nods. “Me, too.”
“She’d be so proud of you. Everything with PennPals—Nanna would find it really special. And she’d love the name. She loved you so much.”
“You trying to make me cry, Wynne?”
“No. I’m trying to tell you that it’s impressive. How you’ve kept looking out for people, just like you looked after her. You’ve taken risks, again and again, and you’ve stayed true to yourself the whole time.” I shrug. “I really admire it. I admire you.”
He looks at me, his eyes shining and resplendent, and I don’t take it for granted. Every glance from him is a prize. A small, precious stone for me to turn over in my pocket.
“Thank you,” he says thickly.
I nod. “You’re welcome.”
