Penn comes into view, and I’m not sure if I want to laugh or cry. He’s leading Mrs. Baker around on skates, and it’s a harrowing sight. I should’ve insisted that the guests sign waivers.
“You certainly don’t like him for how he looks on wheels,” Bridget mutters, sinking into the chair next to me. “But that’s sweet of him, taking Mrs. Baker out there. And…random?”
I’ve kept Penn’s secret. I haven’t told Bridget about PennPals, and it’s maybe a first for me, keeping something from her.
“Where have you been?” I ask.
She bites her lip, eyes glittering. “Ethan just got here. I’ll introduce you later. Your brother has him cornered. I left after he delivered a monologue about Italian leather shoes.”
I snort out a laugh. “Sounds about right. I can’t wait to meet him.”
Bridget told me Ethan shares my nerdy chess obsession, and they’ve been playing together during their movie marathons. She’s busy educating him on all the best teen movies from the eighties, while he’s introduced her to the world of sci-fi films. I asked her to pass along any recommendations that might shed light on my alternate-reality predicament.
“I have a good feeling about this one,” she says, wistful. “So, when you get back to your real world, if I’m being a brat about the fact that Ethan wears rip-away pants, please inform me how hot it will be when I get to do the ripping, okay?”
“Okay,” I agree, grinning. But Bridget must sense that I’m feeling off, because she leans in, a concerned dent between her brows.
“Hey,” she says, nudging me. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.” I try to smile again. “Really. I couldn’t be happier about tonight. The party’s been great. Perfect. Everything I hoped it would be, honestly.”
“But?”
I take a deep breath, turning away as I shudder it out. It’s no use trying to pretend with Bridget. “This world is starting to mean too much to me,” I admit. Just watching Penn skate with Mrs. Baker has my heart growing too big for my rib cage. “There’s everything with Penn, and you and Ryan are doing so well, and that makes it complicated. Part of me wants to stay here and see how all of this plays out. But a bigger part of me wants to get back to reality so I have the chance to do everything right. And ten days in, I still don’t know how to manage it.”
Bridget sets a hand over mine. “We’ll figure it out,” she says softly. “It’ll be okay.”
“You’ve said that all along, B, and I’ve tried to believe it, but this isn’t okay anymore. I’m not okay.” My voice is shaky. So are my hands. “I’ve tried so hard to stay on track and play this game right, but I’m missing out on my life because I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I followed the only rules that made sense, and when that didn’t work, I tried rewriting them, again and again, but it’s no use. And maybe—maybe I’ve already lost.”
I put a hand to my chest, right over my racing heart, and She dips to look at me, her eyes resolute.
“Respectfully,” she says. “Fuck the rules.”
“What?”
“You said you’ve tried everything, right? That you’ve followed the rules, and rewritten them, and nothing worked.” She shrugs. “So why don’t you try throwing them out?”
My pulse quickens as I stare back at her, struck by the straightforward look in her eye. When Bridget means business, she’s means business, and she’s right. I know she is, because the words don’t scare me—they thrill me.
I know exactly what it would look like for me to throw out the rules. I know the very first thing I would do. Who I’d turn to. What I’d tell him.
And I want to. It’s as if some key has turned inside my chest, unlocking the impulse I’ve been fighting all along, and I no longer have a choice. I have to do it. I’m going to tell him everything. All of it. No matter what else happens, at least Penn will know how I feel. And I’ll get to escape the misery ofwhat if.
“I’ve got to find him,” I tell Bridget. “Like, now.”
She grins, but as I start to stand, she stops me. “Wait.” Reaching into my hair, she says, “You can’t profess your love wearing butterfly clips.” After she makes quick work of fixing my hair, we skate over to the bar, looking for Penn.
He isn’t there, though. And another pressing issue requires our attention.
“You owe me twenty bucks,” Bridget says on a laugh.
I follow her gaze to a now-shirtless Theo. Mac, also shirtless, has joined him in the DJ booth to the delight of many young onlookers, as well as a few old ones, including Mrs. Baker. Theo and Mac pump their fists in tandem, their washboard abs aglow thanks to the full stacks of neon necklaces that bounce on their bare chests while they dance to “Crazy in Love.”
Personally, I feel crazy as I scan the room for Penn. Usually, I can spot him—or feel his presence—in seconds. I’ve looked to Penn across rooms everywhere, in every universe, and more often than not, he was already looking back.
I have to find him. Now, just as terrifying as the thought of getting stuck in this game is the thought of waking up somewhere else and having left things with Penn like this—unfinished.
But as I search around, I don’t see him, and in a room full of bright, glowing clothing, it doesn’t help that he’s in his dark gray Curly’s T-shirt.
