“But I knew—Iknew—that there was no way for me to go back to that life and not feel miserable. Don’t get me wrong, I loved my children. Just—not in the ways that I think other moms love their children. Not the way I was supposed to, that Iwantedto—
“Once I had gathered my thoughts, I asked a single question. What would happen to my kids if I went back to a time before they were born? He told me that if I did that, there would be near-zero odds of me having the same kids again.
“But that wasn’t what I was asking. I wanted to know what would happen tomykids. The kids I left behind. The kids whose mom just died. He said, ‘Regardless of what you choose, the children you left behind will continue to live their lives without a mother.’ Somehow, that made it easy. I went back, and I made the choice never to be a mother again.
“Richard probably has the best poker face in the group, but when I first told my story, I swear he’s the one who judged me the most. He’s the only one who had kids the first time around. He specifically went back to the day after his youngest was born, even though his problems started way before then, because he couldn’t imagine life without them.
“Steven and Marie have kids, and Trent and his partner are trying to adopt. They can’timaginemaking the kind of decision I did. They know there’s something broken in me.
“So that’s it. That’s what you were picking up on.”
She shrugs and takes a sip of whiskey, and I’m left wondering what to do with all that. Because, yeah, it’sa lot. I can’t imagine what it took for her to make that choice, and for the first time I’m glad that my previous life was so… sparse. That coming back was an easy decision.
“I don’t think that makes you broken,” I say.
Kimiko lets out a bitter laugh. “Just wait till you have kids. You’ll get it then.”
I open my mouth to protest, but I know that empty platitudes won’t do either of us any good. I’d like to say I would never judge her regardless of the path my own relationship to motherhood takes, but I can’t promise that, can I? I can’t even imagine.
Kimiko waves away my worries.
“That’s a problem for our future selves. You came here to discussyourproblems. I think. I couldn’t actually make out any words through all your blubbering on the phone.”
“I was not blubbering.”
“It’s okay. We all do it,” she says with grave seriousness, as if she’s offering sage insight. I can’t help but laugh at that, and then she cracks a smile, and the tension is broken.
“So, crying,” she says as a segue once our laughter dissolves. “I canonly assume this is about a boy—or a girl—or a they. Either the singular or the plural; I don’t judge.”
I realize I didn’t talk about Alex or Ellie at the Second Take Anonymous meeting and have to take a deep breath to prepare myself for the info dump I’m about to throw at her.
I do my best to start at the beginning, the beginning being another lifetime ago. I don’t make it far before Kimiko cuts me off.
“Wait a second. Are you talking aboutAlex Aquino?”
I sigh—I should’ve seen this coming.
“One and the same. We weren’t close back then—”
I continue, but I’m cut off again when I get to the night of Ellie’s wedding.
“You fuckedAlex Aquino?”
“Stop saying his name like that.”
“I can’t believe you let me drone on about my sob story when you’re having tabloid-worthy drama with a veritable celebrity,” she says, so blasé about her trauma.
“It’s not anything-worthy, because he’s literally an eighteen-year-old freshman right now. And I think he might’ve decided he wants to be a movie director instead of a billionaire.”
“Alex Aquino wants to makemovies?” she asks, face contorted with disgust. “Good Lord, what have you done to him?”
“I didn’t know him at eighteen the first time around. He might’ve always wanted to make movies until something changed.”
She lets out a contemplative “Hmm,” then pulls out her phone and makes a note.
“What are you doing?” I lean over to see her screen. She turns it ever so slightly away.
“Reminding myself to change my investment plan—his company is one of the ones I wanted to get in on the ground floor of. If you’rechanging the course of his life, there are too many variables even if hedoesstart the company.”
