My soul plummets to the floor. I’m not sure I can stand up any longer, but somehow my feet keep moving. There was a time when I was ready to let this woman go because it’s what she wanted. Nothing has changed. I had come here thinking I’d finally claim her heart, and now it’s slipping away because of a choice I can’t argue with. The cruelest irony. I compose myself as quickly as I can and ask the single most important question in the world. Really, the only question that fucking matters at this point.
“Are you happy?”
“What?” The look on her face is genuine confusion. Who knew you could throw someone off with such a simple concept as happiness?
“It’s an easy question, Liz. Are you happy?”
I convince myself that her answer will tell me everything I need. She’s either not happy, which can prompt me to be the hero in her tale and rescue her from eternal unhappiness — or there’s the other option.
“I could be if I gave it a chance.”
Before I can react, she’s moving away from me. She’s waving across to the edge of the dance floor where Matt, who knows how long he’s been there, is standing like the champion I suppose he is. She turns back toward me. “Are we okay?” she asks softly.
I have to think about that one. Is she okay? Apparently. Am I okay? Absolutely not. Are we okay? What we? There seems to be no we in this situation. I feel hollow, cheated by fate, and achingly aware of the distance between desire and reality. I smile anyway. She said she can be happy and I’ll be buggered if I’m going to be the reason she isn’t. “We are,” I lie. I never claimed to get points for honesty.
I watch her walk away and realize I have yet again missed an opportunity to tell her how I feel. I cannot let this happen again. She may be walking away from me for the last time. I will not let this moment go unclaimed. I reach out and grab her elbow like a life-line, turning her body back toward me.
“But one last thing.” I speak quickly. If I do not get this out now, I will never get a chance. “I should’ve told you sooner, and I’m sorry I didn’t. You are amazing…”
Matt is approaching over her shoulder. I feel my opportunity slipping. “…and I adore you.” The safer synonym leaks out without my permission.
Matt arrives behind Liz. I acknowledge him with a slight nod of my head. His face clearly shows he understands where this conversation is coming from and he’s not comfortable with it. He places a hand protectively somewhere on her back. “Matt, take care of this girl, she’s a special one.”
On the heels of that understatement, I take my exit. Heart pounding, stomach in knots, knowing I’ve laid my soul bare and can only hope she understands what I sacrificed to say it.
Chapter 31
Liz, May 23
My smile is real as I enter the hotel lobby. My planning has led to this beautiful event and I am so proud. People are filling the room, dancing to the music or talking to old friends. Matt and I have decided on a late entrance together instead of me arriving on time alone while he dealt with a work crisis.
I’d be lying if I said Ben didn’t make my heart skip, but tonight, Matt is the one I have to be with. He’s the one I chose to show up for.
I don’t even notice Ben until he’s about a foot in front of me. His smile is confident, effortless. I return a similar one, feeling sure it means we have both reached the same conclusion.
“Ben, it’s nice to see you,” I begin. “Matt, this is my friend, Ben. Ben, my boyfriend, Matt.” The two boys shake hands.
“Pleasure to meet you, Matt,” Ben greets him warmly.
“Is that a British accent I hear? Where are you living now?” Matt inquires.
“I’m from London. I was actually in the exchange program at West, I’ve returned home since then.”
“Oh yeah? Interesting. I’ve never been out of the country myself. Oh, excuse me.” Matt glances at the phone as he frees it from his pocket. “I need to take this, excuse me.”
Matt flips the phone up to his ear as he leaves the crowded room. Ben gestures to the dance floor as a slow song starts up. “Shall we?” Knowing I need an opportunity to thank him for being smart enough to see what I couldn’t, I accept and allow myself to be pulled onto the dance floor.
“About last night …”
I don’t want to answer questions about my emotions so I cut him off quickly. “Yeah, I’m sorry about the way I reacted.”
“No worries.” He smiles. “Are you okay?”
“Yes, thank you. Ben, can we talk about February?”
“Yes.” He looks relieved, almost as though I broached a subject he was too afraid to bring up.
“Good.” I sigh. “I was mad… ”
