“No worries. I have no secrets from you, Liz.”
That earns him a larger smile. “That’s because I’m 5,000 miles away.” I don’t know what makes me say that. I mean, sure, I’ve been thinking about our distance and how much I hate it, but why did I just bring it up?
Ben’s face clouds. “I hate that you’re so far away,” he grumbles.
“I do too.” I stop talking and think for a minute. I allow myself to voice the thought. “What if we weren’t?”
“What?” Ben blinks in surprise.
Has he not had that thought? “What if I lived there?”
Instead of responding, Ben continues to blink rapidly.
“Say something,” I prompt.
“Liz, don’t toy with me.”
“I’m just thinking out loud.”
“This isn’t the kind of decision you make lightly. What about Matt?”
“What about him? He has money, he can fly to Emma or we can fly to him. I’d figure something out.” I shrug. Somehow whether I really could move to England pales in importance to whether I’d be accepted when I arrived.
“This is a huge decision. I cannot allow myself to think about this until you are sure. Think about Emma, Matt, jobs, citizenship, money, moving. Think about all of it.”
Does he mean right now? That is a lot to process; I’ll need time.
“When you decide, you let me know,” he finishes.
“Ben, do you not want me in England?” I ask quietly.
Ben sighs. “Babe, I want you with me. If that’s here, great. If not, we’ll consider options. I just need you to think about everything — this is a huge decision.”
“You’re right. Thank you.” A thought pops into my head but I cannot voice it. I love you, I want to scream. No, it’s too soon. That one is for me right now; I don’t want to scare Ben off.
When the call ends, I close the laptop gently. My hands drift to my belly, resting on the curve of Emma. The silence of the room makes the distance feel sharper, heavier. I whisper our new mantra only to her. “No regrets.”
Chapter 65
Ben, April 27
“What if I lived there?”
My brain goes fuzzy. Did she just ask me that? No — I’d been daydreaming again, imagining surprising her by moving to Arizona, picturing her showing up on my doorstep instead. Then she says it for real? That can’t be right. “Liz, don’t toy with me.”
“I’m just thinking out loud.”
She really did say that. My chest tightens. “This isn’t the kind of decision you make lightly. What about Matt?”
“What about him? He has money, he can fly to Emma or we can fly to him. I’d figure something out.”
I’m split in two. Part of me wants to shove the calendar at her and tell her to book the flight now, before doubt creeps back in. The other, more cautious side — the one that’s kept me alive and sensible for years — pumps the brakes. I can feel both of them tugging at my ribs.
“This is a huge decision. I cannot allow myself to think about this until you are sure. Think about Emma, Matt, jobs, citizenship, money, moving. Think about all of it. When you decide, you let me know.” The words come out before my reckless half can shout otherwise.
She is quiet for a beat, then a small, hopeful smile. “Ben, do you not want me in England?”
Is she serious? I never want to be without her again. Every stupid rule I made for myself — the ones about distance and sense and ‘doing what’s right’ — feel suddenly ridiculous. “Babe, I want you with me. If that’s here, great. If not, we’ll consider options. I just need you to think about everything — this is a huge decision.”
