I cover my mouth to catch my shriek before it comes out and I lose a point for yelling.
“Jasmine Cooper, you are officially on your discharge plan,” she says. “How do you feel?”
Over the past few months, I’ve had an eye on the calendar, watching the weeks go by, knowing that this day would come. But still… “Seeing it in writing makes it feel so real, like now I can really believe it,” I say.
“That’s an interesting response. Did you think this wasn’t going to happen?” she asks.
I wanted to remind her that she barely thought it would when I first got here. Ihopedit was coming and I’m happy about it, it just feels fast. In the beginning, I couldn’t wait to leave, but I’ve started to feel comfortable.
Then there’s Amari… I don’t know how to put into words how I feel about her, about how our time together has changedthe way I feel about this place. And now, I have to prepare myself to leave it all behind.
“I wasn’t sure, after the Sam thing,” I say instead.
“You just needed a bit of a wake-up call, and to really start opening up.”
“Yeah, I guess so,” I say, even though the last thing I’ve been doing is opening up to Dr. Rose. To Amari, to my journal—yes. To Dr. Rose, I’m always toeing the party line, trying extra hard to conceal how much time Amari and I have spent breaking the rules, and I guess that worked.
“Just know, this is contingent on you continuing to behave as though you can contribute positively at home,” she says with a serious face.
I think about the sneaking around I’ve been doing with Amari and how lucky we’ve been to not get caught. “Got it. I’m on it,” I reassure her. “Do I get to call my mom and tell her?”
“You sure do,” she says. “First, anything else you want to talk to me about?”
“I might if my mom isn’t as excited as you are,” I tell her honestly. The thought worms its way into my brain.What if she’s not ready for me to come home yet? What if she’s enjoying having me gone?
“We’ve talked about managing your expectations of other people, Jasmine,” she says. “Start now.”
I nod. It’s one of the few truly valuable things I’ve gotten out of my sessions with Dr. Rose. I wrote her words in my journal as soon as I got back to my room.You can only expect people to be who they are, and then you get to decide how to work with that.
“And don’t forget to say thank you to her. This is in large part because she believes in you,” she adds. I hope that’s true.
Dr. Rose gets up and I follow her to the seat by the phone. I glance around the office and take it all in, thinking about how weird it is to look forward to these sessions after spending so many months dreading them.
“Ms. Cooper,” she says into the phone, “I’ve got Jasmine here for you.” She pulls the receiver from her ear and hands it to me.
“Thank you,” I say as Dr. Rose grabs my folder and heads out the door.
“Jasmine, you there?” my mom calls loudly.
A proud smile spreads across my face as I put the phone to my ear. “It’s official, discharge is approved!”
“They finally told her!” Someone claps in the background. “Are you excited, honey?”
“Are you?” I ask, even though I can tell she is by her reaction. I want to hear her say it.
“Ecstatic!” she cries. “We all are.”
“I’m gladyouare. I am too,” I say honestly. I ignore that she uses “we” in response to most things these days. It’s still weird to me that she is part of a “we,” and that it doesn’t include me.
“Did they give you the discharge rules and expectations for coming home?”
“Not yet,” I say, suddenly nervous. “What are they? I already know PINS stays on my record forever.”
My mom takes a deep breath. “Yes, but it’s sealed, Jasmine. Like it never happened.”
“Fine, the rules?”
“Promise you’ll just listen?” She sounds uneasy.
