I thought that was what you wanted, to grow and change,she replies.
But growth is upward, and here I feel like I’m changing for no good reason.I hug Mia.Everything you’ve done for me has been wonderful.I fit in at Monarch in a way that frees me to be more myself.Oh, I meant to tell you—some of the girls at my residence have started mixing in vintage and velvet to their wardrobes.They call it an Evie look.
Mia beams like a proud mother hen.Look at you, being a trendsetter.
Yes, and none of that would have happened without you.Or, I strongly suspect, if I wasn’t dating Viktor.Male approval still garners cachet.
You seem very certain about leaving.For Mia, giving up Alpha Z would be huge, but I’m not yet embedded here.
I am,I reassure her.
Hey, can I ask…you’re not going to tell Vik about this whole thing now, are you?
I hadn’t even considered this.I wasn’t planning on it.Besides, we all signed that paper.
Yes, but clearly you don’t care about Greek life.Her cheeks heat.Look, the new guy I’m dating, he’s on the hockey team.
Really?Who?
Dylan Johansson.He’s really nice.Obviously, if he found out that I was involved in this thing, it wouldn’t be good news.In fact, I’m almost certain that he asked Viktor’s permission before he asked me out.She rolls her eyes.But it makes sense.Viktor’s all about team chemistry.
Don’t worry, your secret’s safe with me,I reassure her.
Mia smiles.Thanks.I know you’re a stand-up person.And we’ll always be friends, right?
Of course.We hug once more, and then I finally go.The cold air feels refreshing, and I take in a deep breath.I have this stomach sensor.When I feel queasy or tense inside, I’m usually making a poor decision.But when I’ve made the right choice, I feel no tension at all.And now my tummy is fine.
As I walk home, I feel a little dizzy yet triumphant.My college life so far has been a lot of trial and error.I set goals long before I got to Monarch, and now I’m finding that achieving them isn’t as wonderful as I expected.
Besides, Alpha Z took up a lot of my time.Now I’ll be able to do other kinds of volunteer work.There’s a mentorship group for foreign students, and I think I’d be good at that since I’m kind of a foreign student myself.And maybe I could help at the writing centre, since I enjoy research and essays.
I don’t want to take Angelica’s opinion to heart, but there’s a grain of truth in so many things she said.I don’t belong at Alpha Z, and I never will.I’ve changed the way I look and I do the things I’m supposed to do, but I was performing a role there.I could never fully relax or let my guard down.I can’t say whatever silly or deep thoughts occur to me because that would highlight my differences.It’s a contrast to the Crafty Club, where I can be my nerdy self.
And Angelica is also right about my relationship with Viktor.I threw myself into the experience, knowing that it was going to end eventually.But as we’ve grown closer—at least, I have—my needs have changed.I want to know him more intimately.He hides his weaknesses and worries, but I want to be able to support him.Maybe this will be the trigger that ends our relationship, but if I don’t ask for more, I’ll never get it.
When I pull out my phone to talk to Viktor, there’s already a message waiting.
How did your meeting go?
I smile.Viktor is too much of a gentleman to ask directly for sex, but there’s also a subtext to this message:if you’re done your meeting and want to meet up, then…
There’s nothing I’d like more, even if it might be our last time together.Because I’m going to ask for Viktor for more, and I have no idea what the consequences will be.
It went well.Can I come over now?
18
ONE FOR ONE
VIKTOR
ICAN TELL FROM THE MOMENT SHE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE THAT SOMETHING’S BOTHERINGEVIE.Once we’re in my room, seated on the edge of my bed, I ask directly.
What happened tonight?
Her eyes widen.What makes you ask that?
You’re preoccupied.
