‘That’s not what I’m doing,’ I say stubbornly.
He studies my face, all humour stripped away. ‘Rose. You look like someone waiting for the punishment to fall. Waiting for the next punch. Waiting for the worst to happen. You can’t live like that.’
That hits hard. It’s how I lived in the slums. Always on edge. Always anticipating every single danger because if I didn’t, if I missed something … I try to swallow down the lump that’s blocking my throat.
He’s right. I don’t want to live like that, not anymore.
‘I’m just being careful,’ I say stiffly.
‘You’re being scared.’
I cross my arms, aware of the way my jaw clicks from side to side. ‘He broke my heart.’
‘I know.’ Benny’s voice softens. ‘And that’s exactly why this scares you. Because you didn’t lose something empty. You lost something real.’
I swallow again, but fuck this lump is stubborn.
‘You don’t owe Kyor forgiveness he hasn’t earned. But you do owe yourself the truth.’
‘Which is?’ I ask quietly.
‘That this isn’t about trust anymore.’ He meets my eyes. ‘It isn’t about his choices. It’s about fear, and whether you think you’re allowed to want him again, knowing what it cost you last time.’
I don’t answer … because I can’t. He sees to the heart of me, voicing thoughts I’ve refused to hear, even within the confines of my own mind.
Benny exhales, then flashes a familiar grin, lightening the heaviness between us. ‘For what it’s worth, Ruben’s a good man. He’ll be fine withoutyou. Probably annoyingly fine. Might even fall for someone sexy who actually deserves him.’ He winks. ‘We can but hope, right?’
I can’t help but smile at my friend. ‘You’re incorrigible.’
‘True.’ He bumps my shoulder. ‘But I’m not wrong.’
Without the need for any more words, we start walking again.
Ahead of us, Kyor slows slightly, clearly trying not to favour his injured shoulder, and something in my chest twists.
Benny looks at me, sympathy swirling in his eyes. Better than pity, I suppose. ‘Did Caz tell you about when she and Llin split up?’
‘They broke up? You mean when Caz was sent to Wrohelm?’
‘No, they were very much together when my mother sent Caz there. It was before then. It wasn’t as dramatic as your split with Kyor, not as far as I’m aware anyway, but one day they just said they were over. They were done.’
‘For how long?’
‘For a couple of months?’ He shrugs. ‘We were all young, and I think the idea of commitment – the fear of it – was part of it. But to be honest, at the time I thought it was the right thing for them to do.’
‘You did?’ I look at him in surprise. This wasn’t the way I’d expected the conversation to go.
He shrugs. ‘With Caz’s powers being what they were, I knew at some point they’d be separated. That they might not see each other again. Ending it then, before they got too attached …’ He slows his pace as he looks me in the eye. ‘When you’re a member of the court there are commitments, you know that. And those commitments only get more complicated the higher up you go. Leading people is tough enough to do clear-headed, but when the heart gets involved … It’s difficult learning to go against what you’ve been taught your entire life.’ He pauses. ‘When I saw them back together, and again reunited in Wrohelm, it made me think that maybe the pain was worth it. I like to think it was, for both of them. But who can really know?’
As his voice trails off I can’t help but wonder if we’re still talking about Caz and Llinos at all. Or whether this is now about Kyor and me, or perhaps maybe about Benny.
It’s certainly the closest he’s ever come to telling me about his past relationships without turning it into some light-hearted quip. It’s hard tobelieve there hasn’t been someone serious in his past. The amount of love he has to give, people should be flocking to his side, but then maybe that’s an issue, too. Finding the right one among the flock. Especially for someone in Benny’s position.
Kyor’s past with Thea is evidence enough of that.
‘Caz and Llinos … they were soulmates,’ I say. ‘You could see it when they were together. They adored each other.’
Benny reaches out and lightly grasps my arm, stopping me. He meets my gaze intently. ‘Rose, honey, if that shit hadn’t gone down with Kyor’s father, would you not have said the same thing about him? About the two of you?’
