Images of his fallen comrades, wounded and dying, came to his mind, and he felt his chest compress. His hands started shaking, the room darkened around him, and the ringing in his ears drowned out all other sound as he fought to breathe. The fork in his hand clattered to the plate with a loud clang, and he startled at the noise, his face flaming in embarrassment.
His mother’s voice came from next to him but seemed so far away. “Are you all right, Colin?”
Shoving back his chair, he rose and hurried out of the room. He didn’t stop until he arrived at the main door. He threw it open and rushed out. The cold night air penetrated his body, and he put his hands on the back of his head and bent forward as his senses slowly calmed. He couldn’t seem to think about his time at war without having a similar reaction. The pain was too raw, too deep.
Arabella’s voice broke through the silence. “I came to ensure you were all right.”
“You need not concern yourself with me,” he said dismissively, though his voice came out a little breathless. He didn’t want her to see him in this weakened state.
Unfortunately, she did not take the hint and came to stand next to him. “It is a lovely night, is it not?”
He huffed. “Will you also comment on the state of the gardens?”
“Perhaps,” she replied. “I haven’t quite decided how this conversation will go.”
Colin glanced over and saw that she wasn’t wearing a spencer. “You must be freezing,” he said. “You should go back inside where it is warm.”
“I would prefer to stay out here with you.”
“Why?”
“Because I saw your pain. What caused it?”
Colin lowered his hands to his waist. “It is not something I wish to discuss.”
“I understand,” she replied, but made no attempt to leave.
“Will you not go back inside now?”
Arabella shook her head. “Sometimes a person needs someone to listen to what they aren’t saying.”
“And what am I not saying?” he asked.
“You may not want to talk about whatever is troubling you, but you don’t want to be alone.”
He turned to face her. “I am used to being alone.”
“That doesn’t make it right.”
Colin saw the stubborn tilt of her chin and knew that she wouldn’t leave him be. He winced before admitting, “I get these images in my head that cause me to grow increasingly agitated. I feel as if I am back in the thick of it, and I can’t seem to stop shaking. Once it passes, I feel tired, and I dread another episode.”
“There is nothing wrong with admitting that,” she said. “Have you spoken to a doctor?”
“I have, but I found his recommendations to be unsatisfactory.”
“What were his recommendations?”
“Bloodletting,” Colin shared. “He thought the leeches would clean out the toxins in my body.”
“Surely, there must be other treatments.”
“My old commander had similar episodes, and he used to bathe in cold rivers,” Colin said. “He told me that helped him.”
“Have you tried smelling lavender to calm you?”
Colin nodded. “Doesn’t seem to help.”
Arabella placed a hand on his sleeve, providing him with much needed comfort. “You are strong enough to overcome this.”
