Because I wasn’t human.
Pounding at the bathroom door.
I locked it. When did I lock it?
“Ollie, open the door,” Jack demanded.
I failed. I couldn’t kill him. I had a chance and I lost it. Lost.I’m lost.
“Open. The goddamn. Door.”
I didn’t have the energy to fight him. I glared at the door and unlatched the lock.
“Shit.”
“I failed. I’m a failure.”
My best friend wiped a hand down his face as he looked at the fine white residue on the counter. “You’re not. Fucking hell, brother.” The disappointment in his voice drew a strangled sound from my throat.
“Hey, you’re good, you’re good,” he murmured, crouching in front of me. Buddy squeezed through the crack in the door, rhino-charging my chest. I wrapped my arms around him.
“I failed- I couldn’t do it. Why couldn’t I do it?” I choked, clutching Buddy’s fur. The ache in my throat was strangling me- forever drowning in pain.I’m in hell.
“You’re not in hell.”
I hadn’t realized I spoke the thought out loud.
“Are you sure?” I asked as he eased down to sit beside me.
“I’m sure.”
“I don’t like this,” I whispered. “I don’t want to be like this. I want to be better.”
He extended his hand, palm up in offering. Cautiously, I took it.
Familiar. Safe.
“You don’t need drugs. We can help you if you let us.”
Us. Our dysfunctional group had become my world.
I needed them.
“Ok,” I whispered.
He breathed out a sigh, rubbing his nose. Crying too.
I swallowed hard. “I smell him.” Jack’s free hand curled into a fist. Bruises on his knuckles told me he’d already taken his frustration out somewhere. “Taste- hear him. He’s everywhere.”
He closed his eyes. “Fuck.”
“I couldn’t kill him.”
His eyes opened, rolling his head to look into mine. The tunnel opened.
He will pay. They all will.
I squeezed his hand.
