I shook my head, falling back on the mattress. It bounced as Jack and Buddy plopped on either side of me.
“What do I do?” I whispered. “I need to figure out if she knows about the program.”
“So, this is just about the program?” he asked. His ability to see through my excuses irritated me to no end.
I groaned. “No. All bullshit aside, I think I want her.”
“Then Ithinkyou just answered your question,” he countered. I twisted to look at him, catching the knowing smirk on his lips.
“I hate when you’re right,” I grumbled. His smirk widened. It grounded me having him here, though I didn’t deserve it after what I did with his twin. “You don’t hate me for…”
Jack snorted, “Oh, I wanna castrate you and lock Miranda in a tower.” I hid my face in the crook of my arm. He sighed, “But I can’t blame you, she doesn’t take no for an answer.”
“I figured that out the hard way.”
“Yea,” he drawled. Weighted silence followed as Jack chewed the inside of his cheek. “She didn’t know, brother. If she did, she never would have hit you.”
“You’re no son of mine, you’re a monster!”
Pain in my face radiated through my skull, warm blood dripped from my nose. I looked up at him, catching his eyes enough to get inside.
I’ll be better, I promise. I love you Daddy-
Wincing, I shot upright. Jack sat up beside me, hand on my shoulder.
“Hey, you’re good.”
“No, I’m not,” I choked.
Over summer, an idiot at the bar punched me in the face. I probably deserved it; he didn’t deserve the coma I put him in after. I erupted in his head, spurred by tortured memories, festering ancient wounds and lack of self-control. That night I confessed to Jack what I hadn’t admitted to anyone. He’d slung an arm over my shoulders and told me he wasn’t going anywhere. It was the first time I cried in front of someone other than mom.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered. He shook his head.
“I know, brother.”
Guilt, shame, rejection- emotions I couldn’t stand to deal with piled and piled and piled into a heap over me, burying me six-feet-deep while above ground. My breath came in short bursts, black dots blooming in my vision.
“Easy, I’ll get you something,” Jack promised. He left me in a swarm of emotions that stabbed with violent stingers over and over, returning seconds or hours later, I didn’t know, shoving pills in my mouth and forcing me to swallow.
“Sleep, we’ll deal with it tomorrow.”
Whatever he gave me took a few minutes, but when it hit, I was wrapped in a thick blanket of numbness, blissful nothingness, and fuzzy emptiness. My eyelids drooped, my breathing slowed and eventually, I succumbed to the darkness.
13
Courtney
Theupbeatpopsongstreaming out of Hannah’s phone on the bathroom counter echoed through the hall. She hummed along, her heels clicking on the tile. I should’ve been getting ready with her, coating my lashes in mascara, and buzzing off pregame drinks before Eric showed up to walk us to the DIK house.
Instead, I was curled up in the corner of the sofa in PJs. It was safer inside where I couldn’t stumble upon Ollie under Miranda’s spell. Here, in my dorm, I couldn’t bump into him at a party, spill my guts that I regretted not hearing him out. Not explaining my curse. Not questioning his own.
“Hey Court, can I borrow your lip gloss?”
I looked up from the textbook in my lap to see Hannah poke her freckled face around the corner. I shrugged, returning to the unread page. She cleared her throat.
Couldn’t she see I wanted to stew in my misery?
“You sure you don’t wanna come out with us?”
