My nails bit into the binding of my journal. A howl of wind whipping around the building mimicked the howl of frustration in my head. I kicked off the wall, tucked the journal in my pocket to scan the perimeter again.
My phone vibrated.
Courtney: Made it to intermission without one :)
Words meant to comfort only ended up with me fingering the little baggy in my pocket. I rolled three stolen Percocet between my thumb and pointer. All night she fought recurrent visions only for radio silence?
Not a good sign.
I typed and retyped my response, never finding the right words. When she’d kissed me outside the dressing room before the show, little lines between her brows refused to smooth out. She wasn’t worried about herself- she was worried aboutme. About sending me careening off the cliff, like she could tell I was a motorcycle going a hundred miles an hour into the black abyss. She wasn’t wrong to worry.
A flash of lightning followed instantly by a deafening boom.
I didn’t flinch, continually rolling those little round promises of oblivion. Of cushy nothingness. Of mindless escape. Offailure. If I caved, I’d fail not only myself, I’d fail her. Whatever was coming would end badly, but if I fell off the wagon now, the damage would be irreparable.
Unless the worst happens anyway.
I ground my teeth and made a vow to the slippery bastard who owned my inner voice.If the worst happens… we take the pills. We take them and we get retribution.
My sticky fingers finally released the baggy.
An engine started at the edge of the parking lot.
It was the same black SUV parked on the left of the theater an hour ago.
Now it was on the right.
I squinted. Was it the same one? Or had I finally snapped?
No, it was the same. It had a little dent on the passenger door.
My phone alarm beeped. Intermission ended in two minutes and Courtney would grace the stage again. Torn between keeping an eye on that suspicious vehicle and getting back to my seat, I hesitated.
Capture everything.
I shook my head in an attempt to dislodge paranoia and shoved my hands in my pockets as I rounded the building to the emergency exit.
The blasting AC raised goosebumps on my arms, ominous shadows of the audience returning to their seats undulated like ghosts reaching for me. The lights cut as I dropped into my seat, drenching the theater in blue-black. Hushed whispers swirled around tinkling piano keys as a haunting violin began its mournful song.
A silhouette slowly illuminated on the stage: a phantom of obscene beauty stirred awake by instruments. Music made manifest, she glided through the atmosphere, casting a spell over us all. The molten bond in my chest reeled me forward in my seat, her soul breaking open, exposed in a way that sucked me deeper.
Capture everything.
Even the most miniscule details were cataloged. The more I captured, the stronger the connection to my journal became. I didn’t need to stare into its pages anymore; at some point it became an extension of my mind, my heart, my soul- inextricable from me.
Applause cracked like the echoes of thunder outside, dragging me back into my body. I rose from my seat and slipped towards backstage before anyone else moved.
After so long in the dark, the bright yellow lights of the dressing rooms stung my eyes. A few dancers spilled out of the hall from the stage, giggling and high off their performance.
“You shouldn’t be back here.”
In an all-black outfit worn by those working the curtain, Hannah’s freckled skin might as well have been green with jealousy. I sauntered closer, hands in my pockets.
“I’ll go wherever I choose.”
Brown eyes narrowed in irritation.
“Ollie?”
