Insects crawl under my skin. Something I said or did must have triggered him.
I carefully raise my hands in surrender.
“I just wanted to hold you.”
He blinks like he can’t possibly comprehend what I’ve said. Like he hasn’t been present at all in the last few minutes.
“Win?”
He stares blankly.
I’m afraid of startling him, but he’s scaring the shit out of me.
“Where’s this coming from, love?”
Finally, his eyes round, color draining from his face. The tiny seed of dread planted in my ribs sprouts thorny vines. He starts to retreat, and this time I let him, even as my heart falls into my stomach.
I sit there, reeling.
Silently, he gathers the leftover food and sets it on the end table. I’m about to help him clean up when he climbs back into bed and grabs my hand. He surprises me again by sinking into the spot next to me and guiding my arm around his shoulders. It takes some adjusting until I have him comfortably draped over my side, lazily running my fingers through his hair with his cheek on my chest.
“My wrists,” he whispers. I hold my breath. “You restrained me by my wrists.”
The vines constrict tighter around my lungs.
“Fuck, Win, I didn’t mean to—”
He shakes his head. “It's fine. I’m sorry I reacted like…that.”
A hundred questions flood my mouth but none come out. It’s too much. Too much in one night. Even though my imagination runs rogue with every awful reason, I choose a different route.
“Idofantasize about having you,” I whisper. He tenses. I swallow hard, closing my eyes. “But in my version, we’re kissing and even though you’re below me, I’m completely under your spell as you whisper that you want me inside you because you can’t have me close enough.”
His jaw trembles as he presses his mouth to my pec.
“I like your version better.”
I kiss the top of his head, breathing him in.
“Me too.”
And without outright saying it, he’s revealed enough for me to know I’m going to fucking destroy whoever hurt him.
40
Win
Five Years Ago
Hold the smoke in until it burns.
Chase it with stale beer.
Switch to liquor.
Follow with another blunt.
Repeat until the world blurs.
