“Really?” I’m suddenly desperate to know what he thinks. My heart aches. I always imagined that my mum would be in this car with us driving me to university, chattering away in the back. My dad and I are naturally quiet people. Whenever we do long drives, I can physically feel the gap she’s left in our lives.
“She would be.” He grips the wheel tightly. “She’d be sitting in the car continually telling you how proud she was. And then she would immediately start worrying about whether you’d packed enough socks.”
I nod. I don’t trust my voice to reply right now.
“Thanks, Dad,” I get out eventually. “I know none of this would be possible without your support.”
“Well, I like doing it,” he tells me.
We sit in silence for the rest of the journey and I watch the other cars on the motorway, wondering whether anyone else feels as lost as I do right now.
On the flight a few hours later I permit myself a moment of self-pity, a moment to acknowledge the fact that I’m scared to be leaving my friends, especially my best friend, behind. I rub my chest.You did the right thing, I tell myself again.It was the right thing not to tell her how you really feel.Shedeserves to go on dates. To not be pausing her life because of me. I want her to feel free. She’s already sacrificed so much for me. The problem is that our lives are so entwined that I don’t even know how to start living without her.
***
When I finally make it to my new dorm room in Florida twenty hours later, I’m sweaty and absolutely shattered. Thankfully, the campus is deserted. Just empty paved streets, red brick buildings and palm trees. Kath would love it.
I’m glad that only the athletes are here at the moment for preseason training because I don’t have it in me to socialise. I’m not as shy as I used to be, but I’m still not exactly talkative with new people. I wipe sweat off my forehead again. Ugh. The English weather hasnotprepared me for this combination of heat and humidity.
I’m sharing a room with one of the other swimmers, and I can see that his bed is already neatly made up, a bunch of photos on his bedside table. The room is nice, but a bit cramped. I’ve gotten used to having my own space, and I’m not sure if I’m mentally prepared for a roommate. Or for the small talk that will accompany it.
I sigh, sitting down and looking at the pile of fitted sheets and pillowcases. Despite wanting to sleep I know I need to unpack. I can almost hear Kath’s voice in my head telling me to do it now rather than leaving it for later. Climbing back onto my feet, I unzip one of the cases, pulling out T-shirts, shorts and jumpers.
After everything’s away I straighten the photos on my bedside table, the one of Kath and I at the Olympics, another of my family on holiday back when my mum was still alive.
Just as I’m pulling out my phone to text Kath I hear the sound of the door unlocking, and a huge guy walks in. I’m not exactly small. I’m six foot three and have a decent amount of muscle, but this guy is taller than me and his shoulders are giant. He’s wearing a T-shirt and a pair of grey shorts, and his light brown hair peeks out from underneath a Florida Gators baseball cap.
“Oh, hi.” He nods at me. “Are you my new roommate?”
“Nope, just nosing around,” I joke, then immediately curse myself for how awkward I sound. “Umm, I’m Sam. I just arrived this afternoon.”
“Ah, cool, you’re British. Love the accent. I remember them saying you were due to arrive today.” He grins at me and twists his cap backwards. “I’m Austin; nice to meet you.”
“You too,” I tell him, trying to work out what else to say. I haven’t had to make any new friends without the buffer of Kath for a very long time, and I seem to have forgotten how to.
“Anything I need to know?” Austin asks. “Are you a snorer or a sleepwalker?”
“I don’t think so.” I laugh, but it sounds flat even to me. “Sorry, mate, I’m a bit out of it. It’s only a five-hour time difference, but I’ve been travelling for ages. Had to get a layover so I could get a cheap flight.”
He winces. “Do you want me to show you to the dining hall and then you can get an early night? I’ve been here a week, so I know my way around a bit.”
“That sounds amazing. Let me just send this message to my friend and then I’m good to go. Might just change my T-shirt too. Sorry, this heat is killing me.”
“Sure, take your time. I’m chill.” He sits down on his bed and starts messing around on his phone while I quickly send a photo of the room to Kath before grabbing a fresh shirt from the drawer. When I’ve put it on, Austin throws my keys to me and I follow him out the room. Within minutes I’m already sweating again, but he looks completely unphased by theheat.
“So, what do you swim?” I ask as we walk out the building. Swimming I can talk about. It doesn’t even feel like small talk.
“Mainly breaststroke.”
“Explains the shoulders,” I say and he laughs.
“Yeah, it does. But I do the individual medley too.”
“Ah cool, me too. Though I’m more of a freestyle and fly guy for my others.”
As we continue walking, he points out a few of the college landmarks that he’s managed to get his head around in the week he’s been here. The student centre, some of the lecture halls, the directions to the pool and the gym. I’m not sure how much my brain is going to remember tomorrow.
“Are the rest of the team already here?” I ask.
