Chapter 27
Nineteen years old
Sam
“Kath’s great,” Seb tells me, stepping into the shower next to mine as the others leave. “She’s so easy to have around, and she’s really chill about our swimming schedule, even though she travelled far to get here.”
“I know.” I smile. He’s right. Having her here feels so easy. Too easy. “She gets it, always has. I think it’s because she’s seen me training since I was eleven. And she works hard too. She’s really dedicated to medicine.”
“Yeah. But it’s rare to find someone who doesn’t mind you getting up at 5 a.m. to leave for practice.”
“She used to get up and drive me to the pool before school,” I tell him. He looks confused, and I realise that I’ve never spoken to my teammates about this. “When my mum got sick, Kath took her driving test so I wouldn’t miss any training. Also, with Kath driving me, Mum could rest during chemo.”
I never talk to my friends about my mum. She would’ve loved them though. She would’ve laughed at AJ’s stupid jokes and been charmed by Austin’s banter. She would’ve baked endless brownies for Seb. I wish she could know them too. I push the thought away. I don’t want to think about her. I don’t want to think about the ways I let her down.
It’s difficult to describe the feeling, though I’ve never really tried—at least not out loud. How in one part, swimming saved me during that time. The routine. The ability to shut off my thoughts and worries. The knowledge that there was a schedule and something that I could control.
But equally, the way I slightly started to resent it afterwards. How I realised it was time I hadn’t spent with my mum, and that all those mornings at the pool were times we could’ve had breakfast together. Times I could’ve heard another one of her stories or laughed at one of her jokes. Now it just makes me feel like I need to prove to myself that those sacrifices were for a reason.
“Well, what Kath did sounds pretty incredible,” Seb says quietly.
“Sheisincredible. But, sometimes, it bothers me that she’s had to sacrifice so much on my account. I just don’t feel like I can ever make it up to her.”
“She doesn’t strike me as the sort of person who would do anything she didn’t want to,” he says. “And I’m sorry about your mom.”
“Yeah,” I say, my voice unsteady. I try to give him a smile, glad that the shower is hiding my watery eyes.
I’m suddenly overtaken with fragments of memories. Like the time I went to a race one weekend after she’d just made the decision to stop treatment. Mum insisted that I go and that said that she’d watch every second on the television. So I went. But only afterwards did I realise that it was one of the last weekends we could’ve spent together. When I’d come home from that race she’d looked even frailer than when I’d left, the changes in her body noticeable from day to day.
I rinse my hair in silence, and Seb doesn’t interrupt. Instead he clasps me on the shoulder as we head to the changing room.
Of course my attempt at silence is immediately interrupted by AJ.
“Kath’s hot,” he remarks as he comes to change next to me. “Sorry, I meant KitKat.”
“Kathto you,” I tell him with a scowl and he howls with laughter.
“You’re a dummy.” He fondly ruffles my hair.
When I get to the café at the front of the swimming pool, Kath’s sitting there with her textbook, highlighters and an iced coffee.
“Hey, you.” I reach down and tug on a stray lock of hair. She smiles up at me, T-shirt sliding off her shoulder.
“KitKat,” AJ grins and drops into the seat next to her. “Have you been here all morning?” He ignores my glare as he wraps his arm around her shoulders.
“Yep.” She laughs. “Just studying; don’t worry. I’ve been productive.” Her notebook sits next to her and all the text is colour-coded. It reminds me of when we revised for our GCSEs together. Kath’s notes were always better than any textbook I looked at.
“Want to grab some breakfast with us?” I ask her. “Well, second breakfast technically.”
“Sure,” she offers, packing up her books and standing up. “What do you guys want to do this afternoon? We have a whole eight hours until your next session.”
“I was thinking the pair of us could drive to the beach?”
“Sounds perfect.” She shoots me a smile.
“You guys coming?” I call to Austin and Seb who are walking out behind us, chatting. They look between each other.
“Nah,” says Austin. “I’ve got some stuff to do.”
