“I actually can’t believe you.” She scowls. “Do you not realise how selfish you sound right now?”
“Can you not hear how naive you sound?” I counter.
My words sit in the silence.
“What the fuck did you just say to me?” She looks angrier than I’ve ever seen her.
I know that was harsh. But this might be theonly way.
“What you’re saying sounds childish,” I tell her. “You’re spending your time psychoanalysing someone who you never even see. Someone who has not and will not putyoufirst. Yet you constantly believe things will change. They won’t. You’re clinging to the past, Kath. To a childhood love that isn’t real for either of us.”
“Well, you’re too obsessed with swimming to understand what love is,” she counters.
“Save it,” I scoff.
“Every time something matters, you just retreat back into the pool,” she says. “You always do this, and I’m done with this stupid pattern that only hurts everyone around you. Your mum wouldn’t have wanted this."
I freeze. “Don’t bring my mum into this argument.” Cold anger courses through me.
“Why not? Isn’t this the issue, Sam? Shutting everyone out because you’re worried she wouldn’t be proud of you. Because you think you didn’t spend enough time with her. I don’t thinkIdeserve to be punished becauseyoucan’t resolve your own grief. I don’t deserve to be pushed away because of some twisted, misguided martyr complex.”
“Fuck off, Kath!” I shout.
“No!” And now we’re both shouting. I’ve never shouted at Kath. I don’t think I’ve ever shouted at anyone.
“I’m not the one obsessed with the past. You’ve spent half of your life waiting for me, when you and I both know I’ll never be with you.”
She recoils. My eyes are burning from glaring at the bright screen, but inside I just feel numb. I barely register when she hangs up the call. I sit staring at the blank screen for the next five minutes.
All I can think is that when you’ve been friends with someone for a decade, it just means that you know the best ways to hurt them.
I think it was the right thing to do. Iknowit was the right thing to do. I leave my room and go back to the sports centre, making a beeline for the gym.
My shoulders burn as I lift heavier and heavier weights. Kath’s words echo in my head.
You’re too obsessed with swimming to understand what love is.
I move to a different piece of equipment.
Your mum wouldn’t have wanted this.
I do another set of reps.
But I can’t get what I said to Kath out of my head. I know I was too cruel, that I overcorrected, but it’s too late now. She’ll never forgive me, anyway.
As my muscles scream at me to slow down, my heart screams at me to call her back and apologise. But I won’t.
I pick up a heavier weight.
Part 3
Chapter 36
Twenty-two years old
Sam
Itry to let myself into the house as quietly as possible. The hall light’s still off, so maybe I managed to get back before the others woke up. Toeing off my shoes, I pad into the kitchen.
