9
One of the Boys
Molly
September, 2007
HURTS. IT HURTS.
It hurt during and it hurt after.
He loves me. He said so. He keeps saying so—whispering the words into the crook of my neck.
Did I love him?
I don’t think so. I don’t know. I’m so confused. I’m scared.
All I can feel are his hands, and the heat of his breath against my skin, and those honeyed words filtering through my ear in the stale air of that locker room. Everything was heavy. Everything was too loud. And I couldn't get away.
“You’re so perfect, you know that—?”
Hurts
Stop
it feels wrong
Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.
what if i tell and they don’t listen
What if no one believes me?
or what if they do
what if I’m broken forever
and ever
someone make it stop
stop
STOP!!!
I wake with a violent gasp, my lungs seizing as if I’m being dragged to the surface from the bottom of the Atlantic. My heart is a frantic bird battering its wings against the cage of my ribs.Thump-thump. Thump-thump.
I sit up in the darkness, digging my fingernails into my scalp and tangling them in my hair.Dammit. That's the second nightmare I have had since we have been in Ireland. I thought I had finally built up an immunity, a fortress in my mind that the memory could not breach.
Wrong.
I force myself to breathe—in for four, hold for four, out for four—counting the rhythm until the walls of the room stop feeling like they are closing in.Just push it down. It’s just stress. It will go away.
That’s what Dad always said when the nightmares first started back in the States, three years ago. Of course, I lie and tell him I can never remember the dreams—because having to tell him what they are about is not an option. He deals with torn ACLs and concussions, not... those kinds of things. Not this.
I choose to believe him anyway, about the nightmares just being caused by stress. Tons of things can be caused by stress, even injuries. Dad once told me a story about this player he took care of who had major phantom limb pain caused by stress. It's all about your brain misinterpreting signals, making you think you're hurt when you're really not. Or, you know, in danger even though everything is OK.
This is just the stress of the team list. It has to be. It can't be anything but stress. Of course it’s stress. I need to stop saying the word stress. It is stressing me out.
