“Catarina, you’ve been here for nearly twenty minutes. That’s far too long. You can stop here and return to the desk,” she orders in a voice still callous, hovering over me.
I grind my teeth. “I’m sorry about insulting you, earlier.”
“Insult? I know you didn’t think you were insulting me, and I wasn’t under such an illusion either.”
“C-can—Can I ask why I shouldn’t have said that, Mistress?”
“What?” She glares from above. “Your question isn’t malicious; you won’t be punished for it.”
“Will it be an—“
“No.”
I step around her. “I’ll take the desk then.”
“Great.” She continues opposite of me, towards Piero.
Absolutely, every part of me wants to eavesdrop. Except all my guilt and shame which demands that I march back and take order at the front.
The sheets cover me. The walls sing. The wind whispers. Yet, I can’t stop repeating those words.
“Guilt and shame,“ I mouth without vocalization.
There’s something to how they feel; I want to be closer to them. Because they’re all I can feel.
My chest has gone empty. And it’s obvious why: my life has gone empty. My happiness—my goals and all my future—is locked behind a dream I’ve fallen so head first into that I haven’t even internalized its price.
I need a patron. But I need to play gymnastics to fall for someone.
I need to try. But I don’t believe that I can.
I need to be hopeful. But I can’t even want what I need to hope for.
I need to want magic. But my mind won’t let me want something so foreign and impossible.
The space of my chest hollows further and further with each thought, each excuse to justify my sad existence. It can’t be that, can it?
No, it’s the anxiety of being hated by Mistress Vincenza, being useless to her, that weighs on me. Her limited pride gave me something close to purpose. If she looked at me and smiled, for even a moment, the emptiness would go away.
There’s no sleeping like this.
I jump from bed and flee into the night to purchase my repentance.
Chapter 11
False Apologies
Fuck, fuck, fuck. Why does my heart treat this like so much? It’s just a small, arbitrary token.
“Good morning, apprentice.” Mistress Vincenza steps around me to start her opening ceremony.
I bounce off the wall and reach out. “Mistress, could I have your attention for a moment?”
She turns around and searches my face suspiciously. “What’s so urgent?”
“It’s not really urgent. I—“ My makeup feels heavy. Probably is, given that I was half distracted while applying it. “I was out of line yesterday, and that was after I failed to secure a patron. Necromancy is important to you, and I wanted to… I got you this.”
She twists her head… and then discomfort.
