“It was never a burden I should have put on you. Of all the deeply unfair things in this world, I added one more onto you.” She sighs. “I’m not planning on anything like that, for if nothing else, then because I can’t stand the idea that I made it your responsibility. It’s not. No matter what you do, what anyone does, I’ll stay here.”
“You better.” My arms work against my own will to pull her towards me, my voice commanding weakly, “you will.”
“I will.” She accepts my closeness, tucking a hand behind my hair. “I was just in a terrible state that I didn’t want to get out of. I wanted every day I had without her to be suffering, but I didn’t want to suffer. It’s terrifying, the thought that I’ll one day be happy—and it won’t be with her.”
“Have you not been happy at all recently?”
“I have, and I'm terrified.”
“Even if you didn’t care about me, and I didn’t know you, Piero would miss you. Your patrons—some of them surely know you. Stella referred to you like you were a common guest. You can’t—“
“I know. I just… didn’t care if it hurt them.”
“I don’t care about that either! I care about you. Piero would’ve cared. He wouldn’t neglect you if you needed his support, would he?”
“He wouldn’t. I’m not sure if I would care for it—he’s always been a misogynist—but he wouldn’t give up my life.”
“I wouldn’t give it up either. I know I’m—I know our relationship is… I don’t care if I’m supposed to or not, I would support you.”
“I couldn’t put that pressure on you,” she whispers. “I’m only barely fine with this confession because it’s a promise: I’m staying here. Anything more…”
“Vincenza.” I back myself off her just enough to look into her eyes, glow refracting prismatically through her tears. “I’ve never realized how bound I was by being a consort until you taught me I could be something. I hate being bound by this… fucking trivial title of apprentice. Fire me right here if that’s the cost of letting me care. Because I will. I will support you whenever you need me.”
“I’m afraid that I would. The moment I’d need support, it feels like I’d want you.” She grabs my hand, skeletal fingers bound in soft skin wrapping around mine. “I’ll makesure I won’t need it.”
“You can’t guarantee that.”
“Nothing is guaranteed.” She stands up, pulling me with her. “I hate seeing you worry over me like I’m not four decades your senior. You can lay down and stargaze with me or give us somewhere to go.”
“I want to dance with you, but I don’t think I’ll just be over what you said.”
She echoes, “you want to dance with me?”
“A-and what’s wrong with that?” I hastily reply before I act more stupid.
“Nothing.” She leads me down the hill, and I clutch myself to her chest.
Somehow, it slipped past my mind that I asked her for a dance. It almost slipped past me that we’re now walking together,with me in her arms,to a public place so that others can see us close.
But the moment finally caught on something in my mind, and now my anxiety is piling. “Aren’t you worried about your eyes?”
“It’s a Lights Festival. But do tell me if you see Piero.”
“Have you seen him?”
“A couple times.”
I can’t put together why she’s being so close to me. I can understand that she’d want me near after being so vulnerable, but I don’t get how I earned her vulnerability in the first place. My heart wants to hope, believe in the Ring’s guidance.
I inhale the cool air. It’s easier to have long hopes than to constantly remind myself of why they won’t work out.
“That’s a fun mechanism.” Vincenza points out a large goat of paper, gears, and internal lights walking down the wider path.
“It’s cute.” I get to spend extra time watching it as she focuses on not crashing us into other people. “I was thinking of adopting a rescued salamander, by the way… Can I?”
“I wouldn’t mind a pet. Were you thinking of keeping it in your room, the parlour, or our living room?”
Ourliving room. It is… strange to consider myself an equal resident, when I was more or less living in a sublet dorm for so long.
