Maddie
As we leave the funeral home, the night sky matches my mood.
I’m exhausted. My head is swimming with so many conflicting emotions, I’m not sure how to deal with it all. I’m dying inside from an overwhelming sense of loss. At the same time, this new guy in my life makes my whole world brighter. One minute, I’m so happy I could burst, and the next minute, I feel like crawling back into bed, curling up in a ball, and crying my heart out.
Trying to decide what to put on her gravestone brought back so many memories, like the time she picked me up after I called her from a party. I never should have been there in the first place. I told Mom I was spending the night at a friend’s house. It was two in the morning, and some older college boys were drinking and getting pretty handsy. It started out as just flirting, which I thought was cool. But when they started to get aggressive, I got really scared, as in I was so terrified I was shaking. I was only fourteen and Momcame as fast as she could.
She should have been furious with me for lying to her, not to mention worrying her like that at two in the morning, but she just hugged me and thanked me over and over for calling her. She said all she cared about was me being safe.
She never scolded me, not even a little bit. Maybe she knew it wasn’t necessary, that I learned my lesson, but I think she didn’t want me to ever hesitate to call her if I was ever stupid again, which I was, many times actually. I guess being a teenager can be like that. But after that night, I knew I could always count on her, no matter what. She’d always been there for me. Until now.
Back in Riggs’s truck, I sit for a moment, thinking about what I want to do next. I don’t feel like seeing anyone. Everyone we run into tells me how sorry they are. They mean well, and I appreciate it, but I’m just not up to hearing any more condolences tonight.
“There’s a burger joint down the road called Buckeroos. They have great shakes. What do you say we get some food to go and take it back to the hotel?”
Riggs starts the truck. “Whatever you want.”
I know exactly what I want, what I need tonight. I just hope he’s okay with it.
The hotel room isn’t very big, but it’s cozy. We’re sitting at a small round table with two bags of food. I got a cheeseburger, small fries, and a medium chocolate milkshake. They put real chocolate in their shakes. The shavings are small enough to fit through the oversized straws. Riggs got four burgers, a basket of chili-cheese fries, and an extra-large vanilla shake.
“Is that white chocolate in myshake?” he asks.
“Yeah, they put shaved chocolate in all their shakes.”
“It’s good. Now I get the crazy-big straw.”
I’m playing with a fry, swirling it around a pile of ketchup on a piece of my paper bag that I tore off.
“I was impressed with what you chose for your mother’s gravestone.”
It’s like he always knows just what to say. “You think so? I was so stressed about it.”
He swallows the last of his second burger and picks up the third while I’m not even halfway through mine. “We were the same way with our mom’s gravestone,” he says, “Trying to decide what to put on it brought back a lot of good memories, which ended up making the whole thing pretty hard. I’m not ashamed to admit that there were more than a few tears that day.”
I meet his gaze. I can’t believe how well he can relate to what I’m going through. “Yeah, that’s exactly what it was like.”
“You want to talk about it?”
“Not really. I’m tired and I just want to eat and go to bed.” That’s not the whole truth.
“Would you rather be alone tonight? I can always—"
“No, I want to be with you. I guess I’m just wondering...”
He sets his third burger down. “Where this is going? Me too. I know this is all new, but it’s different for me. I’ve always looked forward to the next big trip with Ash. For as long as I can remember, I couldn’t wait to get back on the trail again, and that hasn’t changed as I’ve gotten older. Unfortunately, it also didn’t change whenever I was dating someone. The next adventure has always meant more to me than anything else. But now…”
I’m searching his eyes with desperation. This whole thing isn’t fair. And the worst part is, I knew better. I knew the risks of getting involved with him. I knew the risks of allowing myself to feel this way about a guy, any guy, and I even promised myself I’d never let it happen again. Will I ever learn? “But now, what?” I plead.
He hesitates for way too long, and I brace myself for the bad news.
“But now I don’t want to go to New Zealand. Two weeks isn’t enough time with you.”
I’m relieved, even though I would rather have heard him say he never wanted to leave, like ever, but it’s like he said—this is all so new. “The trip is for how long?”
“Three months. These things are planned a year in advance, and there’s a lot more that goes into them than you’d think. Besides all the permits and government permissions, Elsie builds whole custom ad campaigns around each excursion. They include things like product endorsements and cross-promotion deals with other companies. We promote theirs, and they promote ours. The contracts involve a lot of money.”
“You’re right, that’s more than I would have thought.”
