“That’s good,” she says staring at the floor between us.
I put my finger to her chin and tilt her head up. I want to see her eyes. Tears are already welling up in them and it’s a punch to the gut.
She attempts to force a smile as she sniffs and tries to wipe her eyes dry with her sleeve. I hate being the one to make her feel like this.
“I’ll be back before you know it,” I lie. We both know this is going to feel like an eternity.
I feel like I need to tell her something true, and only one thing comes to mind. “I don’t think I could handle it if you weren’t here when I get back.” I pause, then add, “Maddie, you’re everything to me. I can’t lose you.”
That releases a flood of tears down her cheeks as she throws her arms around me and buries her face in my chest. “Come back to me, okay?”
I pull her in. “I promise. As soon as this is over, I’ll be on your doorstep.”
She looks up, and as our eyes meet, I know there are no more words to be said. This is it. I lean down and give her a kiss that comes from the deepest part of my heart. Her hands come to the back of my head as she kisses me back with more passion than I deserve.
When it’s over, she takes a step back with, “Ninety-four days. I’ll be counting.”
I want to tell her how I feel about her, that it’s more than I’ve ever felt for anyone, but this isn’t the right time for that, not when my next move is turning around and walking away.
“Ninety-four days,” I say, doing my best to give her a reassuring smile like this isn’t killing me.
She gives me a knowing nod that says it all, that we both hate this. And with that, I exhale and force myself to turn, and leave. It’s going to be the longest ninety-four days of my life.
CHAPTER 38
Maddie
It’s been two weeks of pure hell without the man who owns my heart.
We both knew this would be hard, but it’s different from what I expected. I thought I would just miss him—talking to him, the best sex of my life, and all the ways he took care of me when I wasn’t expecting it, but it’s more than that. I miss all the little things, like riding around in his truck, eating with him, the way he smells, and that hard, ripped body pressed against me in the middle of the night like he wants to be closer to me. I long for all that, but that’s not the hardest part, not even close. I wasn’t expecting to be so lonely.
Some things are still the same. I have Rhonda. I have my job. I still make dresses on the side. And I’m back to being beyond tired all the time. That doesn’t make this any easier.
But other things are different. My brothers are able to support themselves, thanks to my boyfriend, and I moved into my own apartment.
I’m always busy, so things shouldn’t be that bad, but they are. I have a hard time getting out of bed in the morning. Simple things, like taking a shower before work, feels like such a chore. If someone were to set a strawberry-rhubarb muffin in front of me, I think I’d completely lose it, although the thought of how much Riggs loved them still makes me laugh. They’re huge, and Riggs ate six in one sitting while he sat with me as I worked on a wedding dress in the hotel room at four in the morning. That was one of the best mornings, just the two of us talking and laughing and enjoying each other’s company. Now, when I smell a strawberry-rhubarb muffin, all those feelings come flooding back, and I miss him more than ever.
The other day, Ms. Southerby mentioned she was going to stop by The Fool’s Grill to get a Duck Duck Goose sandwich on her way home. Dumb things like that hit me with a tidal wave of emotions that make me miss him so badly it hurts.
Unfortunately, those situations keep popping up, and by the time I’m finally off work, all I want to do is go home, crawl into bed, hug my pillow, and scream. Sure, I miss him—that was to be expected—but this empty void eating away at me wasn’t expected, and no matter what I do, I can’t seem to get over the fact that he’s not here. I feel like I’m dying inside without him.
I know Rhonda isn’t doing any better. We hardly talk anymore. We work together. We eat lunch together. Having her close is comforting, but it’s not like it used to be, and I know why. It’s the depression, the melancholy, the constant yearning for what’s missing. And there’s not a damn thing eitherof us can do about it.
Maybe.
I’m starting to question that premise. I’m starting to question a lot of things.
My only relief comes when he calls. When we talk, I feel like I can breathe again, like that empty feeling in my chest goes away so I can laugh and smile and be happy again. But the calls never last. Too many people want something from him. It’s always, “I hate to do this, but they need me right now.”
They need him. They take priority. They decide when our calls end. I hate whoever “they” are.
Lately I’ve been asking myself, is this how it’s always going to be? Am I going to be this miserable every time he’s gone? And when he’s back, am I going to be a different kind of miserable as I count down the days until his next big adventure? Am I always going to be miserable one way or another? Is that what my future looks like?
Deep down, part of me knows the answer, and that terrifies me, because it means the right thing to do would be to break up with him and move on with my life. Would it hurt like hell? Of course it would. Losing him permanently would be unbearably painful. But is this any better?
The difference is, eventually I’d heal and move on. I did with Jake, and while this would be a thousand times harder, in time I’d probably be okay. It may take years, even—Riggs isn’t the kind of guy you just forget and move on from, but what are the alternatives? Stay with him and live in a constant state of depression and stress? No thank you.
This is so laughable, and I don’t know why I’m even considering the idea because I don’t think I could break up with him if I wanted to. I just couldn’t. I want him too much.
