She hesitates, idly playing with the corner of her napkin. She doesn’t appear to be willing to even look at me. “Doesn’t it bother you?” she finally says.
“Doesn’t what bother me?”
“That I just got here but I’ll be leaving soon. When the film crew is ready, I’ll get on a plane, and we won’t see each other for three more months.”
“Of course it bothers me.” I reach over and take her hand. “This is important, so I need you to listen to me. It’s never bothered me before. When I was dating someone, leaving for three months was easy. I can honestly say I didn’t care if I wouldn’t see the girl until I got back because the adventure was always more important to me. But this is different. I can’t stand it, and you being here only confirms what I’ve been thinking for a while now.”
I want her to look at me, but she’s still playing with that fucking napkin. “Thinking?” she asks, so softly Ibarely hear the words.
I squeeze her hand tighter. “I’ve been thinking I need to get out of this contract. I need to be done with all this. It never mattered before because I hadn’t met someone I cared about, not like this. But I care about you.” I reach over and grab her other hand. “Maddie, look at me.”
Her gaze flicks to her glass of water.
“Maddie,” I repeat, more sternly this time. “Look at me.”
I give her hand another squeeze, and reluctantly she looks up.
I draw in a breath trying to get a read on her before deciding it doesn’t matter. This has to be said. “Maybe it’s too soon, and maybe you’re not ready, but I’m going to say it anyway. I love you. I love you with all my heart, and I can’t live without you. I promise I’ll do whatever I can to get out of this so that when you leave, I’ll be right there with you. Give me a few days to see what I can do.”
For the first time, I see hope in her eyes. “You’d really do that? You’d just quit?”
“I would. You mean so much more to me than any of this.”
“I can’t tell you how bad I needed to hear that.” She squeezes both of my hands with everything she’s got. “I love you too.”
CHAPTER 40
Maddie
And right when I was about to break up with him.
I love that he said those three little words, but that’s not what changed my mind. Including the layover, it took Rhonda and me over twenty-four hours to get here. That’s a lot of time to think, and the more I thought about it, the more I realized there was no way this could work.
When Rhonda and I boarded the plane in Portland, I was so excited to see him, and at the same time, I was already stressed about when I’d have to leave him again. I couldn’t believe he bought Ms. Southerby’s shop just so I would fly out there. That meant he wanted to be with me as much as I was dying to be with him. But for how long? Two, maybe three weeks if we were lucky? While flying over the Pacific, I knew that every day with him would be one day closer to when we’d be separated again. I had barely left Oregon, and I was already miserable about how little time we would have.
Then, the closer we got to New Zealand, the more I realized how this was going to play out. We’d love everysecond we were together. We’d laugh and talk and have great sex. We’d grow closer and I’d fall more in love with him than I already was. I would even allow myself to picture a life with him. Then it would all come crashing down the second he got the call. When that happened, my heart would be torn to pieces again.
Then what? I’d cry on the way home, and when I got back to Sweetbriar, I’d be alone again. I hate that feeling of missing him so bad it hurts. And as long as we’re together, I’ll always feel that way, either counting the days until he leaves or the days until he comes back to me. Either way, I’ll be trading one kind of miserable for another, back and forth with no end in sight.
By the time we landed at the Queenstown Airport, I knew what I had to do. I was sort of planning on it even when I was packing for this trip. That’s why I brought only a few days’ worth of clothes. I didn’t want to break up with him by text or over the phone. I wanted him to know how much this hurts me, how much I care about him, and I needed him to know all the reasons why I had to do it. And that was a conversation that needed to take place in person, even if it meant flying halfway around the world.
So, I packed light with the intent of not staying long. But by the time we started boarding the plane in Portland, I had already changed my mind. At that point, I decided I couldn’t leave him because he just meant too much to me. But then the long flight helped me see things more clearly. I couldn’t stop thinking about what my flight home would be like if we stayed together. He’s an amazing man, and I’ve completely fallen for him, butthat’s not enough. After we left Honolulu, I made up my mind once and for all. This was just too hard and there was no way I could live this way for who knows how long. Years? Decades? I couldn’t do that.
When he picked me up at the airport, I tried to think of how to tell him. Then he swept me up off my feet in the hotel room, and in a moment of weakness, I changed my mind again.
How could I break up with this man? I couldn’t, so I kissed him, and it felt so good, so right. At that moment, I knew we were meant to be together. But when he kissed me back, as much as I loved it, I realized what a mistake I was making. I keep making that mistake, thinking it will be okay somehow when deep down I know it won’t. At that moment I recalled how it felt when he left me in Portland. That’s when I reminded myself of how hard it was going to be when the film crew took priority over me, and he left for the Southern Alps. And that’s when I knew for sure. I couldn’t keep flip-flopping. I had to rip that Band-Aid off. I could and I would, then I’d go home and cry my heart out for weeks. But at least it would be over, and I could start to move on with my life.
Dinner at a nice restaurant seemed like the perfect place. I was working up the courage to start the conversation when he took hold of my hand. I didn’t want to look at him. Whatever he had to say was only going to make what I had to say more difficult. But then he talked about getting out of his contract and coming back to Sweetbriar with me, I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. He was willing to give it all up so we could be together? It was everything I could have hoped for and for the first time in weeks, that emptyvoid in my chest was finally gone. Then my heart started racing when he told me he loved me. I needed to hear him say it. I love him, too, and for the first time, I could tell him.
Sitting at this small, intimate table with him in this dimly lit restaurant suddenly seems romantic, and as happy as I am right now, I have a million questions. The look he’s giving me, like nothing else matters more than us being together, is going to make this hard, but it’s a conversation that needs to happen.
I take in a breath and try to sound firm. “I love you, I do, but there are a few things I need to resolve.”
He frowns. “Okay, like what?”
I resist the urge to start playing with the corner of my napkin again and instead set it in my lap before looking up to meet his gaze. “I feel like there are things that could come back and bite us.”
Concern paints across his face and he sets his fork down as he leans forward. “Just say it. I’m sure whatever it is, we can work it out.”
