“I’m so sorry,” she says. “I think I might be drunk.”
Everyone’s attention is ping-ponging between me and Ren, waiting for one of us to say something.
“We’re not—” Ren stares straight at me, brow knitting. “We’re not sleeping together…”
“Anymore,” I finish for him, without thinking. Then, as if it matters, as if anyone out here needs to be privy to the twisted timeline of our relationship, “Yet?”
Next to Ren, I see Sasha muttering something before Thad hands her a folded bill. When her eyes snag on mine, she shrugs. “Sorry,” she says, looking between me and Ren. “It’s just…it’s notsurprising, is it?”
And that’s when the anger hits me, drowning out everything else. “Are you—” I say, heat flaring in my chest. “Are you takingbetson us?”
“Joni,” Ren says, voice rough. He stands up, strides around the table toward me and sets his hands on my shoulders, probably trying to put an end to this pathetic scene.
“No,” I say, leaning around him to peer at the others. Hannah looks stunned, Greg’s mouth is turned down in a way that suggests he’s not that surprised either. My dad, beyond him, is intently studying his water glass. “Is it all just some joke? Ren and Joni will eventually get together?” Ren kneads at one of my shoulders, trying to calm me, but I can’t keep it in now, not when I’ve withheld it from them all these years fortheirsakes, neglecting how that would impact me. “Well, who had three years ago?” I say, voice high. I swear I see Leo’s hand twitch upward, and I want to throw my glass of wine in his direction. “Because I hate to break it to all of you, but that’s when it actually happened. This week was just a victory lap!”
“Three years ago?” my mom says next to us. Apparently she, at least, wasn’t in on this betting pool.
“Is that why you haven’t been here the last two summers?” Sasha asks.
“No,” my mom says, shaking her head. “Of course not. Joni’s been working.” She seems to reconsider this, adds, “At the job she’s been fired from, I suppose.”
“No, let’s get it all out in the open,” I say to her. Ren has dropped his hands and stepped to the side of me, opening the scene up to the deck again, my protective layer gone. “Isn’t that what you wanted? Yes, Sasha, great guess. Did you have any money on that one?”
“Hey, I’m the one who defended you not being here,” she says, holding up her palms. “And it was because ofRen?” She gestures toward where he’s standing next to me, his eyes stuck on some spot on the ground.
“It wasn’t his fault,” I say.
“So you two just slept together and then youhappenedto stay on the East Coast for two and a half years.”
I scramble, my anger suddenly muddled, like I can’t find my footing. “Yes. But not like that.” I look up at Ren, but his posture is rigid, drawn in. I’ve gone too far, and I can see the slight wince sweeping off his face, there and gone and replaced with a forced, small smile before he thinks I can notice his hurt at every stupid, desperate thing I just said to try to explain this away. “I’m not saying what I mean.”
My mom’s voice, softer than before, startles me. “What do you mean, then?” she asks.
“I mean…” I trail off again, cupping my elbows. Everything is spilling out, and I can’t contain it.
“Joni?” my mom says. She’s eyeing me like she used to when I had a panic attack in high school, questions brimming behind her teeth.
“I didn’t come back because I knew that if we saw each other again, we’d ruin each other’s lives,” I blurt. It’s why I left, after all, what I told myself every time I almost called him, almost flew home,almost took back everything I’d done. That this was how it had to be.
The confession lands on the deck with the rest of me, for everyone to see. Everything goes silent.
Ren shifts, suddenly another inch farther from me, and when I look up at him this time, he’s staring straight ahead, frowning. We haven’t had a conversation about what happened between us. There’s still so much for us to say.
“I’m still confused,” my mom says. “So you two haven’t seen each other.”
I hesitate, still watching Ren. I’ve shared enough, and it’s not just me at the center of this anymore. It’s both of us.
At my mom’s question, he seems to come to. He shakes his head. “Until this week, Joni and I hadn’t spoken since Sasha’s wedding.”
Someone blows out a sigh at the table.
“But you two talked about each other like you were,” my mom says. “Didn’t you?”
Whenever my mom asked how Ren was over the past couple of years, I’d lie. Say he seemed good, but never elaborated beyond that. It was part of why I’d pared back on my already slim communication with my mom, because I knew that if we talked too much, I might trip up, and she might drag the truth out of me, especially on one of my bad days, when I missed Ren so much I could feel it in my veins. Ren must have lied to Hannah too.
“I guess the two of you seemed so fixed that we all just assumed…” She looks over my head at Ren as if for confirmation, but he’s gone still.
“Are you two okay?” This comes from Stevie, who I’d almost forgotten was there.
