“Are you sick?” she asks. “Did something happen?”
I let out a small burst of a laugh. Everything happened. I fell in love with my best friend and didn’t recognize it until our time was already running out. I wasn’t smart enough to stop it before everything imploded. “I can’t do this,” I say.
“Can’t do what?” Stevie asks gently. I look at her a moment, willing her to know, to read my mind. She leans back like she does, or at least suspects. We haven’t been that careful these past few days, after all. “Joni, no,” she says.
“No, it’s good,” I say quickly, because if I don’t, I will break down into a mess on her lap. If I don’t, I will convince myself that this is okay, that Ren can give everything up for me and that he won’t resent me for it in two months, six months, a year, and that I won’t resent him for the pressure it places on me. I will convince myself that we won’t break up because he chose me over everything. That we aren’t headed for a grossly inevitable cliff. “It’s good because Ren can be happy this way,” I say, my cheeks hurting as I try to smile.
“What are you talking about?” Stevie says, and I swear her eyes go shiny too. “He’s so in love with you, Joni.”
I should ask her how she knows, howlongshe’s known. But my hands are growing numb, the ringing in my ears getting louder with each second, and her words hardly mean anything to me.
“Stevie,” I say in a strangled voice, reaching out to grip her wrist. “Please don’t ask me why. I just— I have to go.” As I rise, I can feel the woman at the mirror watching us.
Stevie’s expression shifts to one of, if not understanding,acceptance, as she stands up with me. “Okay,” she says. “I’ll come with you.”
“No. You stay. Have fun. Call Leo.”
“I don’t care about Leo right now. I’m coming with you.” She tucks her hand into the crook of my elbow.
“Stevie,no,” I snap, shaking her off and whirling on her. “I’m going alone.”
She falls back a step, stunned.
“I’m sorry,” I say. “I’m just— I’m going to go back to your apartment, and I’ll see you when you get home, okay?”
I can tell she wants to protest. “Okay,” she says instead.
I force a small smile even as I feel my heart caving in. “I just— I need to go. Can you make an excuse for me?”
“Of course,” she says.
I start to leave, turn back to her at the last minute. “Please don’t tell Mom.”
Stevie gives me an odd look, lips pursing like she’s almost disappointed. But she nods, finally, and I go.
In line at the coat check, I grip my elbows, toe tapping against the floor, glancing over my shoulder every few seconds. I have to get my things and get out of here before my mother, Thad,Rencomes down the stairs. I check the time on my phone. Eight minutes to midnight.
As I step out the doors, the cold air hits me like it’s trying to shove me back inside. I draw my coat tighter around me and duck my head against the icy breeze. There’s a dusting of snow on the ground, flakes drifting down lazily. When we arrived earlier, I thought the facade of the historic hotel was romantic, all brick and white detailing, but now it just seems imposing, stark against the modern buildings around it. I pull out my phone and order a car that’s close before checking to see if I can get on a flight out tomorrow morning.
I tell myself I’m doing the right thing. That this is what loving someone is: putting their happiness before yours. That this is an opportunity for me to prove to Ren exactly how much I love him.
But I never expected loving someone would hurt so much.
“Joni?”
At first I’m surprised when I hear his voice.But the sound of it quickly settles over me. Of course he’d find me.
I turn, shove my phone back into my pocket.
“Let me take you home,” Ren says. He stops just short of me on the sidewalk, no coat, just his suit jacket, snow already in his hair. “Stevie said you’re not feeling well.”
“No.” I shake my head. Panic is creeping in like it hasn’t in months, years, maybe. Raw and sharp with a life of its own. “I already requested a car. You should stay.”
“I don’t care about staying,” he says. “Let me take care of you.”
“Ren,” I say, voice pleading, my arms wrapped around my middle. “Please go back inside.”
I watch as his brow furrows, his mouth flattens. “Where are you going?” he asks.
