Sasha slouches further, so I can put my chin on top of her head. And then, her voice muffled, makes us all descend into much-needed laughter: “Joni, I’m really sorry I bet on you and my brother, but I’m not sorry that I was right.”
* * *
Stevie and Leo say “I do” as the sun lowers behind them and casts them in a golden glow. Leo’s face is tear streaked, because of course he was always going to be the crier between the two of them. Stevie beams at him, the white flowers embroidered on the overlay of her dress picking up the fading light.
I catch Ren’s eye behind Leo. He’s already watching me, like he’s cataloging my response to the ceremony, understanding his own reaction in relation to mine, the same way, I realize, that I often did with him. His gaze races through me, searing into my heart, and then Leo is dipping Stevie for a kiss, and we’re all cheering and laughing, and another tiny moment I want to hang on to is gone.
The night is perfect in all the ways it should be. It’s like I’ve sloughed off some skin and am feeling everythingmore. Like I’ve wandered back into some room I’d left only to find everyone I love is still there, waiting for me. I’m laughing, tearing up, flat out crying at how wonderful it all is. Sasha leans into Alex, content; Ren holds Katie and makes her shriek with laughter; Thad and Gemi talk happily with Oliver; my dad and Greg stand at the edge of the bluff like they’re keeping watch over the ocean; Hannah and my mom meander through it all, arms around each other; Stevie and Leo don’t let go of each other for more than a second.
Once dancing has gotten underway, all of us—our families, even Leo’s, the band—dance in a huge circle to “Come On Eileen,” cheers echoing into the night and onto the waves below, floating out along the surface of the ocean. Ours is just a small, bright spot on the edge of the continent, on the earth, but to me, it contains everything.
When a slow song comes on, Ren finds me at the edge of the dance floor.Wordlessly, he pulls me to the middle of it and moves my body into his until I give in, relaxing against him.
I tip my head back to smile up at him, cup the back of his neck. “Don’t they play this song at every wedding?” I ask as “I Will Follow You into the Dark” rolls out of the speakers above us.
“For good reason,” Ren says with a shrug. “Says what a lot of people can’t.”
His words lodge into my heart. I think about all the ways he’s sound-tracked my life, tried to tell me things I didn’t know to look for in his meticulous playlists. If I study our lives, gather up all the moments I thought Ren wasn’t sharing all of himself with me, I realize I was just missing all the ways he was trying to.
Music for every fleeting feeling, even the ones I didn’t know were coming yet.
Keeping our plus-one tradition alive.
AnI love youin a photo booth.
“You seem happy,” he murmurs, brushing behind my ear a strand of hair that’s come loose from the many bobby pins Sasha stabbed into it earlier.
“I am,” I say. “I’m so happy right now.”
I lay my head against his chest and he holds me to him until the song ends, then through the next one too. A part of me hopes this moment might stretch on forever, our life one never-ending playlist. But it’s gone too soon, just like every part of today, and before we know it, we’re doing the send-off—ceremonial, because Stevie and Leo are staying at the house tonight—and grabbing sparklers from a table for them to run under.
Later, after we’ve all danced again until our feet hurt and sat at the swiftly emptying tables sipping champagne, we all wander back up the path to the house. Arms are slung around shoulders and eyes are tired. Greg points out the sky already turning gray behind the house and we let out a collective groan at how little sleep we’ll get.But no one sounds that unhappy about it. My mom hugs me good-night at the door, and I don’t let go when she starts to pull away, hold on to her for a minute longer.
On the screen porch, Ren has already taken off his suit jacket. I leave my heels by the door as I step into the room, and he looks up with those soft brown eyes, and I wonder if there’s still any chance we’ll ever get to be that miracle Stevie said we were, or if this moment is all that’s left of that part of us, and we’ll continue on loving each other as we always have. In a different, but no less important way.
I don’t know what the future will bring, but I know what I want right now. I walk over to him, slowly unbutton his shirt. I’ve never loved someone like I love Ren. Like every time we come back together, we’re discovering each other anew again.
I slip his shirt off his shoulders, and he goes still, something silent working behind his eyes. I don’t chase it, let him think through it on his own. And then his face changes, and he reaches around me and unzips my dress, draws his knuckles down my spine.
When all of our clothes are gone, cast to the floor, he picks me up, lays me down on his bed, and everything is hushed. Ren’s lips are on my sternum and then mine on his hip and then all the parts of each other our bodies know like they’ve touched this way a thousand times.
sunday
chapter thirty-one
Everything moves quickly. Ren and I probably only sleep for an hour or two, and by the time we blink awake there’s already commotion in the house. We scramble to get dressed, shoving things into suitcases, going where we’re needed to help clean up, gather gifts, get the house in order. Stevie and Leo are off to a four-day honeymoon on San Juan Island before the tour starts. Sasha and Alex have to be back in Portland to catch their flight by five; Thad, Gemi, and Katie are spending a few days with Hannah and Greg at their house. Ren is helping to drive some of Stevie and Leo’s presents back to their apartment this afternoon.
My flight leaves at two, so after stuffing the last of the twinkle lights into my parents’ car, I grab my bags and head back to the rental car from hell. Everyone is out front, in various states of hungover, ready to hug goodbye and send me off.
“You could live here for a while, if you needed to,” Hannah says after she’s let me go. “Get things settled.”
“Thank you,” I say, hesitant, not sure she liked what she heard at the rehearsal dinner.
“Joni,” she says, sensing it. “You do what makes you happy.”My eyes drift over her shoulder to where Ren is talking to Thad on the porch. Hannah turns to follow my gaze, then back to me. “I hope that what Stevie meant is that he finally got it together and told you how he feels. I didn’t bet on you, but I’ve been hoping.”
My forehead creases in confusion, and Hannah’s mouth curves into a chastened smile. “Amanda’s wonderful,” she says. “But she’s not you. And I wanted him to find some way to be happy, if the two of you weren’t going to be together.”
I don’t have the heart to tell her that we’re not. Together. Instead, I hug her one last time before I move on to my dad, my mom, everyone else heading back inside to get things together.
