She was frowning at him now. Almost scowling. Not exactly like he'd said something wrong, but maybe like she didn't understand. "Okay, so what do you want to do?"
"I don't know. I like fighting." Laurie could feel himself losing points with every word he spoke, but at least he wasn't lying about having crazy ambitions he probably couldn't live up to. "What about you?"
"I'm doing what I want to. I'm a welder when I'm not at Faire, and I smith and climb mountains when I'm not doing that."
"So, great. We're both doing what we want to, we're just super incompatible. Go us. They're saying the Faire might have to move," Laurie said, knowing it was an abrupt, ugly redirection of the conversation, but unable to keep going down the path they'd been on. He'd never actually felt like he lacked ambition or wasn't making the most of himself before, and not only didn't like it, but also didn't understand how his fated mate, who was supposed to bring out the best in him, could make him feel that way.
She doesn't make you feel that way,his bear said.You're making yourself feel that way because you don't think it's good enough for her.
Laurie nearly shouted aloud at the animal's infuriating insight, but stopped because he didn't want to upset Briana. Or maybe because he didn't want to upset hermore, because her expression had gone from that confused scowl to outright shocked dismay. "What? Find a new site? Why?"
"Because the mountain came down on us once already," Laurie said. "Stabilizing the scree and runoff so that doesn't happen again might be too expensive for the insurance to handle, especially with the climate changing this much. Renaissance has never gotten that much rain in June before. Not all month, never mind in a week."
Briana pressed a hand to her forehead, staring at him. "There's nowhere to go, though. And after just barely keeping the site after the mess last year? And having to figure out how to keep shifter secrets safe on top of it? This isn't fair.Shit."
"Yeah." He looked away again, now watching Faire Peak like it had become the enemy. "I don't know. Do you know any shifters who do, I don't know, like…major ground works? I wish we were actually magic," he added almost bitterly, and understood why Briana gave a short, half-laugh. Theyweremagic, obviously. But not the kind that was helpful here. They didn't have powers the way superheroes or wizards did. They could just change from humans into one specific kind of animal each, and that was completely useless.
Briana was now staring at the mountain with a different kind of expression, though. A distant one, like thoughts were trying to arrange themselves in her mind. "I don't," she finally said. "I know there are some badger shifters, but even they can't dig through rock. And we can't just literally scrape the mountain clear of scree."
"The mountain did a pretty good job of that by itself," Laurie muttered. It was true: the landslide had left a huge scar from about a third of the way up the peak, but that only made it clear how futile building a bulwark would be. They were already lucky that most of the slide's power had petered out as the slope became shallower on the way to the fairgrounds. "I guess on one hand it's probably not likely to happen again just because there's so much less to wash out."
"We better hope that's what the insurance company decides," Briana said unhappily. "I can't imagine finding a new site before next year."
Laurie, looking around the wreckage, shook his head. "I'm not sure we can have this one ready to go again by next year, either." There was a chunk of wood that he was fairly sure used to be part of the tavern's roof. He moved over to sit on it, scrubbing his hands through his hair. "This is actually my life, you know," he said to the ground more than Briana. "I know you think I'm a loser, but this really is what Ido."
He heard her sigh, though she didn't move closer. "I think you're a player, not a loser, and that maybe you're..." She fell silent, and although he'd used the word earlier, he could also practicallyhearher deciding not to say he was a little spoiled. Instead, she said, "It's a little hard for me to wrap my head around being able to do the Faire as a lifestyle. Most people have to go back to some kind of day job."
"I mean, I do have one. I do work for the brewery." When he felt like it.
Laurie grimaced at the ground, once more facing the uncomfortable truth his bear had laid out: it really wasn't Briana making him feel bad. It was recognizing that he'd been allowed to get away with murder, in terms of needing to accept any real responsibility in his own life. It obviously shouldn't have taken meeting his mate to acknowledge that. Especially since peoplehad been telling him as much for a couple years now and he'd been blithely ignoring them.
And because he'd been dismissing them, he was now left playing catch-up to the strong, sensible, confident woman standing a few feet away from him. It was in no way Briana's job to make him grow up and be worthy of her. She'd been absolutely right to avoid him as long as she could. After a long moment, he said, "Nobody ever asked me, so I don't know if I ever really thought about it, but…I don't think I particularly want to work at the brewery."
"So what do you want to do?"
"I don't know. I like…" He lifted his head, looking out over the ruined fairgrounds. "I like this. I like the creative community. I like helping out here. I like organizing people in a pinch. I think I'm even kind of good at it. I think I could…"
God, it was like his brain was overheating from trying to think about things he'd never bothered to before. Briana waited, not pressuring him, and eventually he said, "I think I could probably run, or build, festivals like this, actually. I think I would enjoy that. But I wouldn't even know how to start."
"Well, you're in luck, then," Briana said. "Because it kind of looks like this one needs to be rebuilt from scratch. I know there's an organizational council here who gets it all together, so why not talk to them?"
"Nobody's going to take me seriously," Laurie said softly, and Briana made an unexpected sound of disagreement. He glanced up.
She spread her hands."I saw you yesterday, Laurie. I watched you take charge of the situation last night at the pub. You're a Torben. People in this town like your family in general, and as far as I can tell, the occasional failed romance aside, people likeyouspecifically. I think you getting involved in theredevelopment effort on an organizational level would go over really well.”
“Really?” Laurie felt an odd pop in his chest, like a bubble of tension had been released. Or maybe not tension, exactly, but he couldn’t quite place the emotion that came with it. “I’m not sure anybody’s ever said something like that to me before.”
Maybe that’s what the sensation was. Maybe it was the feeling of someone believing in him. It shouldn’t be unfamiliar, Laurie thought. His family was supportive and always there, not just for him, but his brothers and various cousins. But…no one ever reallyhadasked him what he wanted. No one had ever really suggested he might do something outside the family business. No one had ever implied, in any way, that they thought hecould.
And maybe—probably—that was on him, because he enjoyed the Faire life so much. Maybe he didn’t come across, even to his family, as someone who could potentially do something serious or important with his life. But after two days of interacting with him, his fated mate, who didn’t evenlikehim, saw potential inside him that Laurie hadn’t even realized hewantedto find.
That strange feeling in his chest became a sudden twisting pang, like he’d lost something, and for once, Laurie knew exactly what he’d lost: time. Two years of maybe becoming somebody Briana would approve of. If she hadn’t avoided him, he might have had a revelation like this earlier.
But that was a catch-22. If he’d ever made any effort to be more than a fuckboi, shewouldn’thave avoided him. None of this could be put on Briana’s shoulders. Not now, not ever. She hadn’t said anything, studying him as he fought with these thoughts and emotions, and after a minute of awkward introspection, Laurie cleared his throat. “Yeah. I don’t think anybody ever has. So I know you’re not interested, but I thinkmaybe just…just knowing you is good for me. Thank you for that. It’s probably more than I deserve.”
To his complete surprise, she smiled at him, with dimples that appeared and disappeared in a flash. “Of course it is. But run with it anyway. Surprise yourself,” she added a little more softly, and thenmuchmore softly, “Surprise me.”
Chapter 15
