“How does he not hate me? Look what I’ve done to him.” I swiped at the tears, shaking my head. “I know he cheated on me, but fuck…”
“I understand.”
“And when the divorce papers arrived, I went into shock. I could barely move or breathe. I’ve always loved being his wife.”
“Lila, I get it.” Vanessa peered down at me, her eyes wide. “You still love him.”
I closed my eyes and nodded. “A tiny bit.”
“You’re allowed to feel like this. You’ve been through a lot.”
I nodded again, unable to trust myself to do anything else. Admitting it out loud made me feel like I was going backward, and I never wanted to go back there. Never.
“Take a breath.” Vanessa held my hands as I did. “It’s okay. It’s alright.”
“Is it? I miss him in bed with me. I want to share this pregnancy with him, but instead I’ve fucked someone else.” I threw my hands in the air. “I hate him for what he did, but…”
Vanessa watched me, her eyes searching mine.
“I should have communicated too.” My shoulders slumped, relief coursing through my body once I’d admitted it.
“Hey, look at me.” Vanessa waited until I looked up at her. “This is a good thing, Lila.”
“It is?” I wrinkled my nose. “It doesn’t feel like a good thing.”
“I know,” she said on an exhale. “But it is. I’m going to ask you something, and you just need to answer yes or no, whichever feels truest to you.”
I nodded again, useless.
“Do you still love him?”
“Yes.”
Pathetic. I’m just pathetic.
“Do you want to be with him?”
I dropped my head and gave the slightest nod. “Yes, but not yet.”
“Okay, so you make a plan.” Vanessa sat back, fanning herself. “I need a fucking cigarette.”
I frowned. “You don’t smoke.”
“No, but you drive me to it. You and my asswipe brother.”
“I’m weak, aren’t I?” I whispered, hating myself. “I shouldn’t be thinking like this.”
“You love your man, you always have. He fucked up badly—you’ve made him pay heavily, kinda, and now you get to decide what happens next. This is your story, Lila, no one else's. You’re in control here.”
I stared at her, letting her words sink into me slowly.
“Kinda?” I frowned.
Vanessa burst out laughing. “I knew you’d pick up on that.”
“What else could I do? Other than make him wait a long time until I tell him, because fuck him.” I scowled, my heart racing at the very thought of taking him back. I couldn’t take him back, no fucking way. I just…
God, this was hard.
