“Oh, so it’smyfault?” Her eyes flashed.
I shook my head quickly. “No, not at all. I’m just telling you that a year without your touch, with only your anger and distance…it turned me into someone I'm not.”
“You didn’t exactly suggest therapy or anything," she snapped, crossing her arms. “So don’t blame it all on me.”
“I’m not,” I replied honestly. “This is fully on me, and Ishouldhave suggested therapy. I should have done something to help you.” I stared at my feet. This was agonising.
“What would you do differently now?” Lila asked, tipping her head to the side as she studied me.
“Everything,” I admitted. “I would have asked you how you felt, and how I could help. I’d read fucking books on everything it could’ve been, and I’d never have thought about another woman. I’d have dealt with my insecurities. Therapy and shit? I just know I wouldn’t have done what I did this time. I’m such a fucking idiot. You deserve better, but I’m a selfish man.”
Lila gazed at me, and I prayed she’d say something. Anything.
“Lila?” I whispered.
“Okay, so what do you want from me? You want me to take you back, go back to pretending just because we have a baby on the way?”
I shook my head and choked up. The baby wasn’t a good enough reason for her to take me back. We could be great co-parents, I knew that much. I wantedLilaback.
“No, Lila. I want you. I wantyouto be mine again. I want us to date again, start from scratch, let me win you back. Please.”
Her eyes filled with tears as she looked away. I reached out for her hand, holding it to my heart.
“This is yours, no matter what. Please give me a chance.”
She couldn’t even speak, tears spilling down her cheeks as she shook her head.
“Lila, baby…”
“How could I ever trust you again? We weremarried, Victor. So, we had problems, so fucking what? What would you do next time? Fuck someone else again?”
I felt like I’d been punched in the throat.
“No—”
“Words, Victor. All of this—” She waved her hand between us. “It’s just empty promises. You shattered the promises you’d already made. You promised me forever. You promised to be faithful.”
I nodded, still holding her hand to my chest.
“But you’re right about one thing.” Her tear-soaked voice made tears roll down my own cheeks.
I looked at her, blinking so I could see her clearly.
“I do still love you.”
My heart stopped, but I knew she was going to tell me she couldn’t put herself through it again. I understood it, I did. But I had to fucking try. I loved this woman, this gorgeous, strong, glorious woman, more than I ever realised. If I couldn’t have her?—
“I can’t do this right now.” Lila shook her head and turned back to the stairs. “I justcan’t.”
54
LILA
Ihadalmostgiven in. I was so close to saying yes, that I wanted to try again, despite everything, because I still loved the bones of that man. I hated his reasons—that we’d been distant, and that I was angry. Of course, I was fucking angry—I’d been going through the perimenopause!
But I hadn’t sought any help either. For me or the marriage, and that was the only reason I was willing to give this a shot. Well, that and the fact I still loved him.
I stared at my laptop screen, my heart thundering in my chest and my palms sweaty.
