“And you, I hope,” I whispered, reaching out for her hand. She let me take it, but she still felt so far away from me.
What more could I do?
The drive home was silent, but I couldn’t stop the racing thoughts in my mind. They were out of control. When we got home, I made us some dinner, which we also ate in silence. I had to do something, but I couldn’t figure out what, until it hit me.
I wanted to watch the video. I wanted to go through an iota of what Lila had gone through and force myself to live with it like she’d had to.
“Are you okay?” Lila finally asked me before she went to her bedroom, but she knew I wasn't. She just didn’t know what to say.
We stood in the hallway, and I shook my head.
“No. I know you’re gonna think I’m fucking crazy when I ask you this, but hear me out, okay?”
A tree of dread was forming in my stomach, its branches clawing at my insides and turning me upside down and back to front.
Lila stared at me but nodded.
“Can I watch the video?” My words were so faint I barely heard them.
But Lila did.
Her eyes popped as she gawped at me. “What?! No! Are you crazy?”
I rubbed the back of my neck, wondering the same. “I think I should.”
Lila panicked, her eyes darting around us like the walls were going to start playing the sordid movie. “Victor…”
“You recorded it for me to see it, didn’t you? So, I know how you felt, right?” My throat felt raw.
“Yes, but?—”
“Then let me. Please. Let me feel the pain of seeing you with someone else. What you did wasn’t even cheating, so… it’s still not as bad as what I put you through.”
Tears swam in her beautiful eyes. “Victor, you’ll hate me.”
“Darling.” I stepped closer to her, her belly hard against mine as I gazed into her eyes. “I will never, and could never, hate you. I love you far too much for that.”
A sob caught in her throat as I kissed her forehead, holding her in my arms for the first time in a long time. God, she smelled incredible.
“Please?” I sank to my knees in front of her, and she laughed, despite her tears.
“We’ll be over before we’ve even started,” Lila muttered, her hands on her hips. “Get up, Victor.”
I did, saluting her once I rose to my feet.
We looked at each other, locked in a silent battle until Lila’s shoulders sagged.
“I recorded it to hurt you. Remember that. I don’t want to hurt you now; you don’t have to watch it.”
I loved her more than words would ever convey, but I gritted my teeth and assured her, “I want to.”
“Then I’ll show you.”
56
VICTOR
Ihated every fucking second of it, but I forced myself to watch it all.
