I remembered a conversation one night after dinner. We’d been out, and things had felt…strange between us. We’d had nothing to say, and we’d picked at our food, neither wanting to address the elephant in the room.
But when we got home, Victor had.
He’d asked me if I found him attractive anymore. I’d laughed and shaken my head. What was this, I’d asked him, a midlife crisis? Why would he question something like that?
“Because we never fuck, Lila.”
I’d scoffed and told him to fuck off, but something needled deep within me.
I didn’t feel like sex, that was all. It wasn’t anything to do with him—he was, and always had been, my perfection. Any red-hot-blooded female would salivate over my husband.
Clearly.
I snapped back to the present, blinking hot tears.
“I’m sorry,” Vanessa murmured, stroking my hand.
I pulled my hand back and shook my head, furiously wiping away the tears.
“He was right.” I cleared my throat as Bianci watched me, her eyes shining. “I didn’t want sex. I didn’t want him to touch me.”
Bianci knew. “That happens to us women.”
Vanessa frowned. “The menopause?”
“Perimenopause,” I said softly. I’d suspected it for a while, had researched it loosely. I’d dismissed it and refused to acknowledge it. The hot flashes and night sweats made me feel disgusting. The mood swings were vile.
“Fuck. I should’ve seen a doctor.”
“This isn’t your fault,” Bianci said, before Vanessa could speak. “Our vows say in sickness and health, Lila. Your husband is supposed to support you.”
“I need a minute,” I blurted, my throat thickening. I pushed through the patio doors, closing them softly behind me.
The damp air stung my hot, tear-stained cheeks, and I squeezed my eyes shut, letting the rain soothe me.
Was this my fault? Did I do this to us?
Even though he’d committed adultery, had I pushed him away?
He tried to talk to me—so many times. But I felt like I couldn’t stand him sometimes, like his very presence irritated the fuck out of me. Then other times I’d miss him so much it hurt, and I’d just curl into his arms and cry.
“See a doctor, baby, please,” he’d plead with me, and I’d agree but never make the appointment.
I knew my hormones were to blame, but I just wanted to ride through it.
I didn’t know he’d have an affair because of it.
I sucked in a deep breath, staring up at the night sky. Victor had told me once, that no matter where we were, or what happened between us, we’d always be able to stare at the night sky at the same time and be connected.
I stared at it now, wondering if he was looking at it too.
Was she worth it? I hope so,I asked him silently, unable to breathe as fresh sobs tore through me.
Did he love her?
God, I can’t fucking bear that thought.
Him loving anyone else was worse than him fucking them.
