I nodded my agreement because boy did I agree. My whole world had gone to shit since I’d fucked around on Lila.
I wanted to text her and make sure she was okay, but she’d probably tell me to get fucked.
How was I going to get my wife back?
I rested my head against the glass window and sighed. I had to accept the chance that I might not get her back, and that scared me more than anything.
She’d bring our kid up on her own, and I’d help her every step of the way, but fuck… I wanted family Christmases and birthdays, grill outs in the summer…
You should've thought about that before you dipped your dick in dirty.
Lila would never believe me, but I felt like a completely different person to who I was then. I was so fucking stupid and naive, and I’d losteverything.
I’d take losing everything if I could just have her back, becauseshewas everything. My air, my vision, my world. I couldn’t function properly without her. I could barely focus on basic shit.
I needed to talk to her, to try to explain that Icouldn’texplain the Cami shit, but I could at least own my mistakes. I needed to tell her I fucking missed her, so much. Everything about her. The way she’d snort when she laughed too hard, or how she had to have strong coffee first thing in the morning or she’d be a grump all day.
What was worse was that I had done this to us. I didn’t have anyone else to blame, no one to punch or kill.
Just me.
As the bus neared the building site, my bones ached, already protesting against the cold.
But I had to keep going. For Lila and the baby.
My family, if I was ever lucky enough to call them that again.
39
LILA
The following morning, I sipped my decaffeinated coffee at the kitchen counter, staring at nothing. I’d already showered and tidied around the house, and now I was at a loss for what to do next.
I was going for dinner at Victor’s mom’s house with Vanessa later, but it was several hours until then. The weather seemed nice, but blowy. It had rained heavily through the night, and I had snuggled deeper into bed at the thought of being outside in it.
No, thank you.
My gaze fell on a pair of work boots kicked off near the door, a small, muddy puddle surrounding them. They were on the mat at least, but they weresoaked.Did Victor walk home or something?
Why do you care? Fuck him.
Still, I couldn’t take my eyes away from them. I hadn’t heard him come home; he must’ve been really quiet. I was a light sleeper, and I hadn’t heard a thing.
I still couldn’t believe he was sleeping in the spare room. Here, in this house, sharing space with me.
It was wild.
Who divorced their husband then moved him back in?Me.
It was a good job I had though, because I hadn’t managed to pick up any extra shifts this week. I’d told them about the pregnancy, and now suddenly there were hardly any shifts available. It made me uncomfortable, like a snake was making its way up my pant leg.
Could it be because I was pregnant? Surely not; there were rules against discrimination. Pregnant women included.
At least, it meant I had a break though, and hadn’t needed to book any time off for the scan.
Butterflies fluttered in my stomach at the thought of the scan, now only two days away. I couldn’t wait to see the baby because then it would feelreal.
I rinsed my coffee cup and left it on the side. It didn’t perk me up without the caffeine; it was more of a habit than anything else. I walked upstairs, pausing when I reached the top.
