“I have some savings. I’m sorry about that night. I’m sorry I couldn’t say what I should have said.”
“And what should you have said?”
I couldn’t do this without looking at her so I delayed answering her until I could find a pull-off. With the car in park and the engine running to keep us warm, I turned to her.
“I should have told you I loved you. Because I did. I do.”
As I spoke, her mouth formed an “o” and her eyes widened.
I had planned everything I wanted to say but the whole day had taken an unexpected turn the second she jumped out from behind the bar, surprising me like always.
“I love you. I have for some time. I’m sorry that I was too late in figuring it out. I fucked up so bad. The thing is, I know I’m a cold man. I know I don’t say what I mean. I know I can be difficult to read. But there’s nobody else for me. There never has been, and there never will be. I know that about myself. I forget to say the obvious out loud. I assume everybody sees it as clearly as I do. The moment I fell in love with you, it was obvious. Or so I thought. I kept all the words locked up. But you are it for me. I don't deserve a chance, but I'm asking for it anyway.”
She started to speak but I pressed on with a shake of my head.
“I was living in fear, bathing in it. But now I know that fear wasn’t real. I found out what real fear was when I saw you with Occum. I can’t risk not spending every available moment with you. Life is too precious. I was so afraid of being like my parents and letting life pass me by but that's exactly what I ended up doing. I lived with extreme focus—blinders, really—which is no different than living in the haze of drugs. I used my goals as an excuse to miss out on everything around me. Not anymore. I'm not wasting a moment that's given to me. I want whatever you'll give me. I want to hold your hand in bed every night—at least until you roll over and take all the covers—but I'll sleep in the cold next to you. I don't care. I want to live with my eyes open now.”
I took a deep breath in. Her eyes were as wide as salad plates.
“Jesus, I think that’s the most I’ve ever said at once. I need a lozenge.” I rubbed my throat. “I mean every word.”
“I want that too, Ford. I want to be enough for you too. I was so afraid you always saw me as backwoods trash. I would never in a million years have thought I was enough for you. That you felt this way the whole time is a little mind-blowing. I think I need a minute.”
The smile on her face grew and my heart hammered against my chest.
“I love you, and more than that, I value you,” I said. “As you are. No changes. I want to be your person, the first person you think of when anything happens. Anything.”
“You already are that person for me.” She held my gaze. “Do you trust me enough to be that person for you?”
“Yes. God, yes. You’re a miracle.” I couldn’t help the grin that split my face.
She shook her head like she couldn’t believe it.
“You are. You are the most tenacious, stubborn, loyal, beautiful person I’ve ever met. You astound me all the time. See? That right there. I think that all the time, but I bet I’ve never said that.”
“I astound you. Very fancy.”
I hauled her to me. I inhaled deeply. “God, I love the way you smell. That’s another one I think all the time. It never fails to amaze me how you can always smell so good.”
“Gretchen might disagree with that…” she trailed off. “Please don’t stop. Keep ‘em coming. Tell me everything as you drive us home.”
We spent the drive back to Knoxville hand in hand. I was on top of the world. I was with Suzie.
My Suzie.
“Hey, I was just thinking…” she hesitated.
“What? Tell me.”
“Um, remember you were telling me about that Maslow’s hierarchy of needs?”
“Yes. What about it?”
“You said that in towns with high poverty—where those basic needs aren’t met—that there is no interest in things like education and art and stuff.”
“Right. If you don’t feel safe to sleep and your stomach is always growling, chances are you aren’t going to take time to plant flowers or go to the theater.”
“Exactly. I guess what I’m wondering is, pretending money isn’t an issue, what would you do? Like to change the world? No money issues, just funds and go.”
