I’m tired of being alone and pretending like that’s what I want. I pushed you and everyone else away because I couldn’t chance not having you feel the same way back. I understand now that isn’t how love works. I understand so much now that you’re gone, and I can’t see you smile and laugh every day. I miss just talking to you, catching up. All the little things.
I love you. I want everything for you. Please make sure that toolbag—sorry, Chagny—is taking care of you. All I want is for you to be happy.
Anyway. I’m sorry I pushed you away because I felt too much. I’ve been letting my past ruin my future. But I’m done. I’m no longer a prisoner to my life.
You’ve inspired that in me.
You made everything better. The months we played together are some of my best memories.
I love you. I always have.
I think I already said that. Anyway, I do. It’s okay if you don’t love me back. Well, it’s not okay. I feel like I can’t take a full breath thinking about it. But I get it. I did such a stupid thing. I’m sorry for that night. Not for punching Chagny; I’d probably do that again. But I am sorry I hurt you. So sorry. I only ever want to make you feel good. God, I’ve wasted so much time.
Like I said, not anymore.
I’m done.
I hope this letter finds you happy. I hope you are living the life you want to live. I hope you are spreading that light inside you now. That’s all I’ve ever wanted.
Yours always,
Erik
I shoved the letter in an envelope and sealed it before I could change my mind. I’d send it to her house; her parents would ensure she got it. Writing it was crucial. My handwriting would prove my words.
Now for the part I dreaded. As the phone rang, regret had my anger boiling. But I didn’t want to indulge my anger; I was ready for apologies.
“Hello?” the voice answered.
“Andrew, it’s Devlin. I have a proposition for you.”
Chapter 38
You’re an angel when you play.
KIM
It was hard to know what to do or who to be when you couldn’t be trusted to make your own choices. I wasn’t the same person I was before I met Devlin, before I knew him and spent time with him and learned what it meant to feel alive again. I’d tried to go back to that. I’d tried to let Roddy lead me to what I thought was the safe choice, but that had been a failure.
I was back home now. Floating. Back to waiting for my life to start. Or something. I wasn’t even sure what I wanted at this point. But I knew the life Roddy had planned for me wasn’t it. I was proud of myself for moving past that and owning that choice. But still, there was a hole in my soul, and I didn’t know what to do.
“Kim?” my mom said from behind me. She was wrapped in an oversized pashmina despite it being the beginning of September.
“Hey.” I sat on the back porch swing looking out at the fireflies. My legs were tucked up under my chin and I rocked slowly in the breeze.
“Do you have a minute? Your Dad and I would like to talk to you.”
“Sure.” I got up and followed her into the kitchen where my dad sat with three mugs of steaming tea and a plate of cookies.
“How are you?” he asked. My dad looked old, tired. Maybe my bad mood had permeated the house.
“I’m—” How did I answer that? Did they really want the truth? I wasn’t bad, but I was far from great. Mom and Dad stared back at me with matching expressions. Their shared pair of squared-framed glasses were currently perched on dad’s nose. He took them off and placed them on the paper.
“I’m neutral,” I finally answered honestly.
They shared a look. It was one of their looks that always made me feel a million miles away. They were such a unit—twin planets rotating around each other’s axes—and what was I? A satellite? A cold dark moon a thousand miles away?
I grasped the mug and studied the swirling steam.
