And Roxy. What was I doing to her? She was trying to be better than her past all because I was pushing her to test her own boundaries. I was no good for anybody. I was selfish. I kicked the wall, relishing in the sharp pain in my toes.
I wanted to be better. I would protect those I cared about, even if it meant space from me. A storm was brewing outside but I would avoid the bridge this time. Hiking a trail was better than jumping out of a plane, right? I needed to just get away and figure out how to make everything right.
* * *
Roxy
I went backto my office in the Lodge after I dropped off Sanders to pick up a few things before I left for the night. I had a missed call on my cell from my mom. Was it already time for our monthly check-in? The back of my neck tingled with familiar daughter guilt as I debated returning her call. I let out a sigh and braced myself.
“Hey, Mama,” I said when she answered. I let go a slow breath out the opposite side of my mouth away from the mouthpiece.
“My baby,” her richly accented voice cooed. “How you doin’, sugar?”
“I’m fine. How are you and Daddy?”
“Oh we’re lovely. Just sitting out here listening to the crickets, thinking about you. Life is as good as it could get.”
“I’m glad to hear it.” I grabbed the pen and flicked it repeatedly against the desk.
Reminding myself that it could be much worse. Suzie and her father still struggled with his sloppy, embarrassing shows of alcoholism. His constant begging for money. Well, before. It did seem like going to AA was helping. But my mama and daddy were what I called quiet alcoholics or functioning alcoholics. They went to work, they paid their bills, and they never had the cops called on them. However, they rarely left the house and went through a couple handles of vodka every week. Still it could be worse.
“How’s your man?” Mama asked, her voice was slurred which meant that they must have been at it a while already.
At this rate they wouldn’t have livers by the time they turned sixty. But knowing them, they’d be alive until a hundred drinking vodka and Diet Pepsi every night just to prove everyone wrong. I pinched the area between my eyebrows.
It’d been over four years since I left the Wraiths and even longer since I was with Jethro. But that was when I’d sometimes go over and drink with them. I knew they loved it when they didn’t drink alone.
“I’m not seeing anybody right now,” I said.
Though for some reason a wild image popped into my head. Bringing Sanders around and brandishing him like a trophy.See, Mom, he likes me.I mentally shook away the unwanted thought.
“Oh, honey, but you’re so pretty. Don’t you worry, you’ll find a man.”
I used to say I don’t need a man, now I didn’t bother. She wouldn’t remember this conversation anyway.
“Thanks, Mama.”
“Why don’t you pick up some vodka and come over. Just like the good ol’ days. We miss you,” she said.
I sucked my teeth. “Can’t tonight.”
“My beautiful, beautiful girl.” She sniffed softly. Wow, she was all the way to maudlin. They must have started at noon. “You’ve grown up so fast. Your brother too. He never talks. Always too busy. We did our best, you know. We loved you as best we could. Our parents were never around. Grandpa used to leave the bar and—”
“It’s okay, I know. And Rick is busy but he loves you,” I lied through my teeth. I never talked to my brother, Rick. The last time we spoke, he said he couldn’t care less what happened to our parents. Last I heard he ran with a different MC. It was hard not to think about his choices and feel like I wasn’t meant for much more.
“He does? Did he say that?” Mama asked.
“Yeah, he did.” I closed my eyes.
I knew they wouldn’t remember anything from our conversation. I don’t know why I tried or cared … and yet.
“I’m getting another promotion. At work.” The words slipped out. My heart hammered in anticipation.
“A promotion! Good for you, honey,” my mom said louder, probably leaning toward my father so he could hear.
Despite myself I sat up straighter.
“A promotion?” I heard my dad’s deep, Southern drawl ask through the line. “What, now she’s a dancer too? Not just a bartender?”
