I know we fought. I know times were hard. Sanders never slept as a baby (already worrying about missing out on life probably) and we struggled to make ends meet sometimes. But God, what I wouldn’t give to struggle through anything and everything with you at my side.
I took a deep shaky breath and reread the paragraph again.
That was exactly how I felt about Roxy when I first saw her. It was like somebody shone a spotlight on her and a tiny voice in my head said, “You’re gonna wanna talk to that one, mate.”
I clenched my jaw so tight, my teeth ached. I’m not saying I would believe it if I heard it from anybody else, but I knew my father and I knew myself. Us Olsson men, when we fall, apparently, we know.
Nobody would ever love her like I would. I just needed to prove that. I needed to show her. It wasn’t enough to just say it, not after a lifetime of running. Starting now, I vowed to change everything.
What I wouldn’t give to struggle through anything and everything with you at my side.
I would give anything to be the person that struggled through life with her.
Fueled by my resolve, that week, I met with Dev and the rest of the team of Outside the Box and explained the situation. Of how I had screwed up and it cost the business but also of the potential in Green Valley. They were patient and understanding with me but had still decided to leave to join Callum and Dev, staying in Denver. I promised to send any remaining business in Denver their way. We departed on amicable terms even though it felt like the end of an era. That just left Skip and me. Skip, who wasn’t talking to me at the moment.
After our meeting with the rest of the team, I stopped him in the hall.
“Can we please talk?” I asked him, knowing I didn’t deserve the chance.
Reluctantly, he stayed and listened because Skip was nothing but a great guy. I explained that the Lodge had agreed to wait before signing anything official with OTB. I was done with rushing into situations and screwing things up. We had enough business here to get us through the end of the summer.
“Do you want to close down OTB? Tell me what I can do to show you I’m serious,” I said.
“I need to think,” he said. “I have a few more clients to wrap up over the summer. I’m not taking on anything new for fall. Let’s reevaluate then.”
Read: I’m still not ready to talk to you.
The days dragged by. Skip and I wrapped up the rest of our events in Denver, speaking only when necessary. Soon a whole month passed. I hadn’t called Roxy back yet. No texts. No emails. Nothing. I was ashamed but I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t feel ready. She deserved me at my best, not the mess that I was. With every conversation I had with my therapist, the more I realized about myself. Let’s just say I had a lot of work to do. She didn’t need a partner that was so messed up or one that made her feel like she was nothing more than a passing distraction. No. When I came back to her, I would show her I meant business. And if she had moved on, well, I would cross that bridge then. I wanted us to be a team but I also knew I needed to be a better man for her first.
Green Valley felt so far away. Like I had dreamed this most perfect scenario but had since woken up to cold, harsh reality.
Roxy. She was in my mind all the time. She took up more real estate than anybody else. The longer I was away from her, the more I realized that maybe she had been right. Skip had been right. I had tried to drown myself in her rather than deal with my feelings. Now it was time to be better. I had to make things right. No more running.
I dug through a drawer to find a pen and paper. If Dad could pour his heart out fully on paper, then maybe I would try it too.
Dear Roxy …
Chapter 26
Roxy
Months passed. Weeks. Days. Seconds. The measurement of time didn’t matter. I worked until I collapsed. I had my new office. My new title. I had the prestige that went along with it. At this point, everyone in Green Valley knew I was the events coordinator at the Lodge. Sure, maybe some narrow-minded individuals still saw me as a Wraith’s girl. But you know what? I didn’t care. They could see me however they wanted. Just like the calls with my parents, it didn’t change what I knew about myself. I had worked hard to change my life. I had done it by myself with the help of a few people who had my best interests in mind. What others thought of me wasn’t any of my business and I couldn’t care less.
But I didn’t have Gretchen. I’d still not been able to talk to her. Nor did I have Sanders because I pushed him to go. He needed to return to Denver but it still hurt to know that I had sent him away. I’d tried so hard to prove that I was living my life to its fullest and yet I worked every day until I passed out. I missed Sanders and our nights together. I missed the SWS and knowing what was happening in their lives. If only I could get over myself and reach out.
I was so alone.
I sighed as I watched a group of forty-something women chat happily about their upcoming girls’ trip that weekend. They complained about their husbands and children in a way that said they couldn’t be happier to have so much to miss back home. The ache in my chest sharpened to a point that jabbed my heart every time my lungs filled with air.
Maybe I should have gone with him. I used to think that one day I would know what the right thing was to do in every situation. But there was no right thing. There’s what your head wants. And what your heart wants. Add in what you think the world wants for you and somehow none of it ever seemed to sync up. I fought the idea of flying out to be with him in Denver every day, but then what?
* * *
I neededto talk to Gretchen. I realized that I had felt like a burden to her ever since she pulled me from the Dragon Bar. That I owed something to her, even though she was simply trying to give me a second chance.
“Hey, Roxy?” Vincent approached with one hand in his pocket and a cool look on his face.
“Hmm?” I asked straightening. I had been staring off into space. Just standing in the middle of the lobby without anything to do. Everything was taken care of. Everything was running smoothly. Which, unfortunately for me meant I had nothing to distract me.
