“Me neither.” I make a face. I wouldn’t normally admit that to him because I want him to think the best of me, but at this point …
We stare at each other openly. I don’t hide it and neither does he. We would never do this in the light of the day, but here in the closeness of my Jeep at night, it feels completely safe. His scent invades me. My fingertips long to trace the edge of his lips.Damn, I just want to cross this stick shift and straddle his.
Oh my God. Did I seriously just think that?
I look down at my hands. They remain normal but the little control I reasserted at the bar is even thinner now. It’s like trying to stack cooked pasta. It’s so much harder to resist.
Harder. I need an ice bath. We are sitting outside my office building, for crying out loud. What if somebody sees us?
But then …
His hand reaches out. His forefinger and thumb grab a curl framing my face and gently tugs it. He releases it and dreamily watches it bounce.
“Julia …” he whispers.
I close my eyes for the briefest second, letting myself have this moment of my name on his lips.
I swallow with effort. My heart is ricocheting around my chest. The curls in my periphery shake slightly. There’s no way I’m building this up on my end. He blinks softly and leans toward me. I could reach out a hand and rest it on the knee that is almost in my seat. He’s so tall. So big and manly and he takes up so much space. I love that. I want him to invade my space. I want him to take what he wants.
I reach a hand out, tentatively testing the moment. His eyes don’t leave mine, but I notice the rapid rise and fall of his chest.
I’m just about to place my hand on his bicep when something in me snaps. A realization. I have been here before and hurt someone I wanted to kiss. A bolt shoots through me. I see it then—a tiny white line shoots from my finger to his upper arm. He turns his head to where the mini bolt escaped.
“Whoa,” he says at the same time I flail a retreat, yelling, “Sorry!”
I shoot back and in a series of awkward maneuvers, simultaneously unbuckle myself and jump backward out of the car.
“I have to …” I sprint out of the car without finishing the sentence. Shaking fingers punch the numbers in the keypad as I go into the building. I hear him shut my car door behind me.
“Julia—”
I handled that poorly. I need to explain but for now I have to get away from Nathaniel to keep him safe.
What had just happened? The little zap of white light was new. What if I hurt him? I told myself it was just static electricity. Nothing more.
Liar, my mind screams.
I don’t wait to see if he follows me. I feel so ashamed and silly and mostly … disappointed.
I shut and lock my office door behind me and lean against the door with a panting chest. I haven’t turned the lights on but there are shadows along the walls. I glow like a lighthouse in a storm.
Despondency crashes over me.
Why did I ever think I could be normal, even for one night? Why did I think I could go out with friends for my birthday and have fun and kiss I guy I like at sunset?
I will never have that. I will never be normal. I will always be alone and moving from place to place. It’s that, or risk hurting anybody I care about.
I slide down the door and press my palms into my eyes until I see stars.
Deep breath in. Deep breath out. One step at a time. Just one step at a time. Eventually the pain will subside. Eventually I will be thankful just to be alive, even if I have to dance alone in the dark.
