“The tests. Th-they keep failing—” I have to stop because my throat is too tight to go on.
I’m being ridiculous. I’m overreacting but in this moment I don’t care. My chest heaves. My emotions have boiled over. This month. This day … it’s all too much.
She steps into my office. I can’t see her, hidden as my face is. But I feel her, tangible as my own limbs. The soft click of my office door closing echoes loudly in the room. I swallow. Her feet step into my view, inches from the tips of my own shoes.
“It’s going to be okay,” she says with such assurance I believe it in my bones.
Maybe that’s what my team feels when I say it. We all just need to have our dreams validated so that we can give ourselves permission to believe them.
My hand falls away and I look up to study her. She’s so close her Cassiopeia freckles are only a breath away. I hold her gaze. I wonder if she sees the fear in my watery eyes. I wonder if I can share the load on my shoulders.
“How do you know?” I ask.
She thinks for a second, her brows furrowing and raising. “Because it has to be.” She shrugs. “Because I believe in you. We all do.”
“I-I don’t know that I deserve your faith. Or the team’s.” I keep my arms loose at my sides.
“You do.” She steps closer and the energy in the room shifts. “Focus on what’s working,” she says.
I think of how far I’ve come. How hard I’ve worked to establish my reputation. All that I’ve done for the team. We will figure it out. I feel calmer just having Julia by my side. We are in this moment again. That same tension as when we almost kissed in the car fills the air. But I won’t cross any more lines tonight. I will sit here, a hair’s breadth away from her and that will be enough. Just to be able to look at her openly like this can be enough.
Her bottom lip catches between her teeth as she works it, contemplative. I stay perfectly still except for my thumping heart. She takes a deep breath and her brows furrow with determination.
Slowly, she reaches her arms to wrap around my middle. She steps to remove any remaining distance between us. Her head rests against my chest and I know my thrashing heart has to be giving me away. She nestles her head closer and squeezes me tighter.
“It’s going to be okay. Trust me. I’m a doctor,” she mumbles against my chest.
A laugh-cough erupts out of me. All at once my defenses crumble. This is all I need. More than anything in the world. My arms go behind her back, one squeezing her shoulders closer and one cupping her head to me. Her body trembles despite the fact she’s a ball of warmth.
“Thank you,” I say. I tug her tighter to me, tucking her head under my chin. She’s so small compared to my large, bumbling frame and yet her strength is sustaining both of us.
“Youwillfigure it out. Everything will be okay,” she says.
“Okay,” I say, starting to believe it.
“The only way out is through.”
“You’re right.”
“If it wasn’t hard, it wouldn’t be worth it.”
I rumble a deep chuckle. “Are you reciting inspirational quotes?”
“Hey. They work for a reason.”
We languish in this moment. I wonder how long I have her like this. She must be in pain, though I am careful that no skin touches. And I don’t want to pry about exactly how her illness works. But she hugged me and I will never turn way that gift. It feels like everything. My head lowers to inhale her scent. At this point, what have I got to lose? She smells so damn good. This hug is everything my lonely heart needs. I still need to apologize, but right now, I can be here. I indulge in how soft and warm her body is in my arms.
“You’re so hot,” I say and then instantly wince. “I mean you feel hot. Temperature-wise.”
Just like that, the moment is over. I curse myself but don’t fight it when she steps back instantly. She tugs her shirt down over her hands before wrapping them around her waist.
“Shit. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make it weird.”
Backing away slightly she says, “No. You didn’t—”
I force a step back to give her space. I lean to sit on my desk and run a hand over my face. “No, I need to apologize. Not only for now, but in the car—”
She can’t quite meet my gaze. Her focus flicks anywhere but to me before finally resting on the whiteboard behind me. Her face scrunches in confusion and her head tilts.
