“What? No.” My head shakes, as I try to process his words. “You were about to kiss me?” Focus, Julia. That’s not important right now. This problem is so much bigger than whatever is between us. “No. That doesn’t matter.”
“It doesn’t?” he asks. He rubs a circle on his chest and it almost breaks me.
“I just mean that’s not why I have to go,” I try to clarify.
He steps closer. “Let me explain.”
“No!” I shout. He stops, his face draining of color, but he retreats into the hallway. “Get back. I don’t want to hurt you. I’ve done enough damage.”
“What are you talking about? If you want to report me, I understand. I crossed a line. Please, can we just talk?”
“I have to think. I need to go far away.” I pick up my meager box of belongings and leave my office. I don’t look at him on my way out. I will not see his face. That face that makes me do stupid things time after time. Eventually, he will understand this is for the best.
But. I can’t leave like this. I can’t let him think this is his fault. I take three steps down the hall before I stop and turn around.
He lifts his head. His face is so sad, my chest seizes with regret. I can’t let him think even for a second this is about him or the team. This is all about me. I lift my chin and square my shoulders. What the hell do I have to lose at this point?
“Just know that I think you’re amazing. You’re so smart and down to earth and just the most magnanimous personality I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing. I have to go. The contract is at risk. The team is at risk.Youare at risk.” My voice breaks. “But you have to know that it is not because of anything that happened between us, I promise. I wish …” My throat tightens. “I wish it could be different. So badly, you don’t even know. But this is how it has to be.”
As I speak his face changes from hurt to wonder to confusion. “The team? What are you talking about?” he asks. “Please, you have to explain.”
“I can’t,” I say. How could I possibly explain any of this? Nobody knows. Not a single living person knows the truth about my freakish nature.
“Julia, you cannot go like this. I have to understand,” he begs me. His hand runs through his already wild hair.
“I don’t even know where to begin.” Emotion makes my voice go high and tight.
“Are you in danger? Is someone hurting you?” Darkness passes over his face, revealing an edge to him I’ve never seen.
“No. I’m not the one who should be worried about getting hurt.” He frowns in confusion. “Look,” I continue, “I’m not trying to be vague on purpose. I just don’t think there’s any way you’d even believe me.”
Why was I still standing here talking? I should be home packing already.
“You secret is safe. I swear on my life. On Lincoln’s. I would never hurt you. Or him.”
“Your boyfriend’s?” I say without thinking. Oh my God, I completely forgot about Nathaniel’s boyfriend when I hugged him and almost kissed him. My self-worth is a dirty ball of slime rolling around a city gutter.
“My brother, Lincoln,” he clarifies gently. “I promise on his life I wouldn’t share your secret.”
“Oh … Ohhh,” I say as realization dawns on me. So that almost-kiss … Oh boy, I can’t think about any of this right now. “No, don’t swear on your brother’s life.”
“You’re right. I can’t do that. But I swear on my own life.”
I stall. What would it be like to finally tell somebody? What would it be like to have a friend and confidant that knows everything about me? My resolve is disintegrating the longer I stand here. Somewhere deep inside me, I feel a tug. A voice I’ve learned to ignore. A voice that yearns for more. But maybe, just maybe, I could tell him. What would Grandma Sue say? God, I wish I could talk to her again. More than ever just to talk to ask her about this.
“Please. You can’t leave. You can trust me.” His eyes hold mine. And I know it’s true. I know deep inside that I trust this man. And more importantly, I trust myself to handle sharing the truth of this burden.
“It’s me. I’m the reason your tests are failing.” I watch as the truth crashes over him.
