I turn away. “I’m gonna go. This was a bad idea.”
“I don’t know what to say to make this better.” And he looks so guilty I believe him.
“I know it’s hard for you to understand. I don’t blame you for being frustrated. Hell, I’m frustrated. All the time. I’ve had to push people away I care about in order to protect them. I have this whole secret life that I can’t share with anybody. And for what? To glow, at best? To hurt people, at worst? It’s like you’re hoping I’m some sort of superhero. I hate to break this to you, but I’m the villain in this story,” I say firmly, holding his gaze. “It’s never been anything more than a curse.”
Something about my speech settles into him. He hears me. “I can’t imagine how that must be.”
He backs away to pace. His hands tug through his messy locks as I wobble between hurt and anger.
“I’m going to head out.” I shift the bag higher on my shoulder and feel heat burning my cheeks.
He stops pacing to look at me. I don’t know what he sees but he doesn’t try to convince me to stay. I look down at myself. There is a slight glow to my hands.
Of course there is. No wonder; I’m all sweaty with rage. Now, when it’s way too late. There’s no way I feel like being tested now.
I squeeze the strap of my bag, not bothering to hide the glow.
He glances back to the machines, unable to meet my gaze. “I just have to shut this stuff down.”
“Yeah. I’ll see ya tomorrow.”
“I really am sorry.”
He doesn’t clarify for what. For this not working out? For sharing the truth? For my sad and lonely existence?
It doesn’t matter.
Focus on what—
Not today, Grandma Sue. The future feels unbearable. It’s a blank canvas of nothingness for as long as I can see. Nothing to look forward to. Nothing to hope for. He’s already looking at me differently. It was a mistake to involve him. I wanted to have a normal life, but the reality is I will never be normal. I will never have what everybody else takes for granted. A darkness settles in me. It was silly to ever hope for more. Once again, I’ve been pushed away because of who I am. For things I have no control over. And it hurts more than it should.
* * *
Nathaniel
A few days later and I’m still a mess.
Julia and I sit in silence before the meeting starts; nobody else has come in yet and she won’t look at me. It’s probably for the best. What would I even say? Sorry I presumed for a second to think I knew about a pain you’ve been dealing with your whole life? Over the last few days, any time I have thought about how she doesn’t get hugs or touches of comfort, my heart has ached all over for her.
Lincoln is hardly talking to me either and he’s not coming over. I message him every day but I think he’s worried I’m going to freak out and do something to make his home life worse. His texts are short and he only says he’s fine.
The tests are back to being sporadic again and the initial burst of relief has waned. We’re back to pulling more hours. Morale is way down again after having a weekend of amazing results only to see them fail again. We’ve explored every angle. Even knowing that Julia could impact the tests, we are no closer to answers. Something about the failures doesn’t line up for me. I know she feels responsible, but until I can understand more about how her gift works there is no way of being sure. And now I’ve way overstepped my bounds.
I didn’t even know her a month ago but now having this weirdness between us feels like too much. I feel like every aspect of my life is spinning out of control. Julia has assured me, in the few times I’ve actually interacted with her, that she isn’t having any issues. She claims to be feeling better than ever. That’s the only good news. The correlation between our tests and the failures seems to lie with her, but if she can’t displace that energy on command, we’re no closer to getting answers. Every day that ticks by is another day closer to our project deadline and things are not progressing.
I’m about to apologize again when Jared and the rest of the team walk in for our weekly staff meeting. I brought doughnuts and gourmet coffee this time but not even that seems to lift spirits. It’s the ups and downs that are killing us. I’m about to suggest another team outing but there’s no time. And I can tell that the idea would fall flat anyway.
Dylan gives more bad news about shipping delays and needing part approvals.
“We need these parts for the upgrade to the test bed yesterday but I can’t get engineering to sign off,” Dylan says.
Jared sighs. They hadn’t explicitly called him out, but engineering is his domain so it’s obvious who they’re directing the delay at. “I’m not going to sign off on a thirty-thousand-dollar part until I’m sure the design is going to work. That’s just going to bite me in the ass if it fails.” He’s clicking the end of his pen repeatedly and I have the overwhelming urge to grab it and snap it in half.
“Let’s all just take a breath. Nobody is at fault,” I say.
“Yeah, well it feels like I’m the one being blamed.” Jared slams his pen down.
“Nobody is at fault,” I repeat.
