16
Julia
It’s times like these I wish I were a drinker. Instead, I’m forced to be fully aware of the pain pulsing through my joints. I fight back the power that ebbs. To my complete embarrassment, Ken’s announcement in the meeting brought back the sickness in a big way. It wasn’t because of how he talked to me. I’m used to being underestimated and overlooked. It was how he accused Nathaniel of faulty design. I wanted to stand up and shout that it was my fault. I’m making the tests fail.
After the meeting, I hid in the bathroom for twenty minutes quelling back the light that burned through me. Let them think I’m crying. Better than the truth, I guess.
I work the rest of the day with Jared on the report finally sending it back to the customer at ten o’clock that night. We are both beyond exhausted as we head for our cars.
“Sorry about today. That sucked, but it wasn’t anything you did. We appreciate you,” he says as he’s getting into his car.
“Thanks. I’m sorry this project is so challenging,” I say, playing with my car keys.
“I know Nathaniel’s design is solid. His brain never miscalculates. We’ve all reviewed it. Something’s not adding up. Maybe the technology just isn’t ready.”
He’s defeated and so am I. I can’t offer any words of comfort. I know exactly why the tests are failing. After a moment, he looks at me like he’s going to ask me something more but then just says, “Well, have a good weekend. At least we don’t have to come in tomorrow.” He waves a goodbye and drives away.
Nathaniel’s car is still in the parking lot. He checked on us a few times, bringing coffee and snacks, but left us mostly alone. We don’t know what to say to each other anymore. I think that’s hurting me the most. There was a brief time we were both fully ourselves and working toward the same goal. Now I feel worlds apart.
I look longingly in the direction of the testing building. I could really use a discharge after my flare up earlier with Ken. My knees are aching so bad I have to hobble into my car. I’m still not in the mood to go talk to him. I’m too tired. I don’t think I’d be able to have a grown-up conversation yet. The anger from earlier in the week has burned out to exhaustion. I freaked out. Of course he doesn’t understand what I’ve been going through my whole life. I’ve been the one going through it, not him. But I still need space.
I’ll just go home and drink tea and hope it passes soon. That, or I’ll just have to bite the bullet and ask Nathaniel to come let me into the lab. He’d want that, wouldn’t he? Be able to run all the tests he wants. The thought of him treating me like a test subject only sends me deeper into my pity party.
At home, I take ibuprofen and fire up my laptop. I sip my tea as I watch stupid cat videos to distract me from the pain and ennui invading me. Ginger is mad at me too for being gone so much. He won’t come out from his plant except to eat, and when he does, he pointedly ignores me. Imagine me daydreaming about having a furry pet when a fish is almost too much to handle. I’m so weary, I want to sleep for a year.
I’m thinking about Nathaniel and his hope for me when I first showed him my disability. Maybe I need to stop calling it that. Maybe it’s not fair to people with real disabilities. I am healthy after all, except when I’m not. He looked at me and saw potential. He saw my light as a gift, where I’ve always seen it as a curse. Maybe both things are true.
A message pops up in the corner of my screen.
WeepingAngel:There she is!
DudeWheresMyTardis:Hi. I’ve been a bad friend.
WeepingAngel:Stop. I get being busy. How’s today?
DudeWheresMyTardis:8
I answer honestly. I’m lucky to have somebody to share with that understands pain like this.
WeepingAngel:Shit. I’m sorry.
DudeWheresMyTardis:You?
WeepingAngel:Only 5 today.
DudeWheresMyTardis:Still not great. Are you okay?
WeepingAngel:I’m fine. I’m drinking wine. It helps. What’s going on with you? You’ve been working too much.
DudeWheresMyTardis:Probably. Today sucked. I got called out at a meeting today by a big boss. No good.
WeepingAngel:Damn. I’m sorry. Not what you need on top of an episode.
DudeWheresMyTardis:Yeah. The whole week was garbage, TBH. I try so hard to make it work but always feel like I’m just treading water.
WeepingAngel:I understand that feeling. What’s the quote? If you’re going through hell, keep going? Something like that.
DudeWheresMyTardis:Grandma Sue used to say something similar.
