“She died in a car crash too, when I was ten. I went to live with him. Thankfully, there’s enough of her in me … I never want to be like him.” He stares at the ground.
“I’m so sorry,” I repeat, unsure of what else I could possibly say.
“He’s the reason … he’s the reason for everything.”
“How do you mean?” I ask.
“Why I strive to be so different than him. My whole childhood he was hard on me. He started hitting me when I was about thirteen.”
My heart hammers harder than the exertion from our exhilarating hike. I dare not move, afraid he’ll stop.
“At first he’d slam into me and apologize, convincing me I was clumsy. And then he eventually stopped with the pretense and apologies. Then I came to expect it. He hated when I took interest in anything but sports. He wanted me to be him. He wanted me to go to Dartmouth on a sports scholarship just like he did. Eventually take over his business, I think.
“But I was never like him. My brain, it just didn’t work the same. I was always daydreaming and tinkering and taking things apart. Restless and curious. I had no desire to be in business. It drove him crazy.”
I grab his hand and we start walking back toward the trailhead, our pace slower. “He would mock me any time I got excited about things as a kid and so I stopped sharing with him. And then I think that independence from him caused him to start hitting me. Telling me I was a freak. That I was an embarrassment. A pussy.”
I gasp. His words are so matter-of-fact but the implications are horrific. I can’t wrap my mind around it.
“When I was seventeen, a senior, there was this robotics competition my engineering team finaled in. It was the same day as our state basketball championship game. I told him I wanted to go to the robotics competition instead. He threw me down the stairs. I didn’t make it to either.”
“Oh God.” I cover my mouth. William is evil, in the purest sense.
“So I have a limp sometimes. But that’s why I have to get Lincoln out of there. I’ve been trying for years. The first time Lincoln came over with bruises, I was just out of college and my career was on fire. The patents and stuff,” he says humbly.
I nod.
“I went to the police, tried to get custody. By that point Lincoln’s mom had died of cancer.”
“Jesus,” I mutter.
“My father told everyone I was a liar. He made me sound like an irresponsible college student while here he was this upstanding citizen of the community. No judge would ever go against him.”
We have to stop because my whole body is shaking and starting to glow. “How could anybody …”
I cry out as I slice the air with a flash of rage. There’s acracklike a gun going off and then a boulder four feet away cracks in half.
“Sorry,” I say after a minute of us both staring at the rock. I feel a little more in control.
“Wow. You’re getting good at that.” He stares at the dissected boulder like he wishes it was something else. Or someoneelse. He lets out a long sigh. “I tried to put some distance between us to protect Lincoln but always with the plan that I would get my brother back. I just needed to show that I was a responsible caretaker. The Lite-Brite technology is so important to me. And to the team, of course. I love them. But having success has always been about gaining stability. But now … I don’t know where the project stands. They’re going to cancel it and Shemesh-Tek will never get work again.”
“We don’t know that will happen, but we will figure it out. And wewillget Lincoln. I promise you that.” I squeezed his hand and made the vow. I would get his brother away from that man no matter what it took.
He smiles but I don’t know if he believes my vow.
“It’s funny. I always annoyed him. The way my brain worked. When I went to visit Lincoln when he was first born he told me something like, ‘maybe this one won’t be such a fuck up.’”
He rubs at his chest.
“I loved Lincoln as soon as I saw him. Our connection was as unpredictable and illogical as they say it is for a new mom. I felt fiercely protective at the time. I was only twelve when he was born. My father had married his mom a few years before that. I remember hoping, this will make everything better. This will make him happy. Even though I wasn’t enough, this little guy will be.”
He pauses to clear his throat.
“But with guys like that … They’re broken inside. I understand that now. It was never about Lincoln or me. It was about his traumas and generations of fathers taking out their fears on their sons. Even understanding that, I thought, at least Lincoln will be better. At least he won’t have to go through this.” He lets out a shuddering breath. “But I was wrong.”
I stop to hug him and he squeezes me back, shaking a little.
“It’s not your fault. Like you said, your father is a monster. Thank God Lincoln has you.” I wipe my eyes. “We will make everything better. I promise.”
“You already make everything better,” he whispers in my ear.
As we drive back to his house for dinner we share our dreams. They seem so infinite for me now. I can stay here. I can help Nathaniel. We can make a life together. “I have a confession. I don’t want to be a manager. I just want to do research and play with toys. I want Lincoln to be safe and live with me. And you too.” He smiles over at me.
For the briefest moment, my whole future is bright. There will be hard times. Getting Lincoln will not be easy, but with Nathanial by my side, we will get through whatever.
And then I sense him tense. I look over to see the blood draining from his face as we pull up to his house. There is a body crumpled on the doorstep.
And I know in that moment that nothing would ever be okay again.
