My head snapped up. “What?”
“It’s why you’re out here all alone.” She gestured to the echoing house around us. “And that’s fine. You’re controlling and taking on more and more as you can. But you can’t control your feelings. And certainly not Kate.”
“I was just trying to protect her,” I growled.
Agata set down the tea tray. “Oh, men always know what woman need. Heaven forbid they let us make choice for ourselves.”
“You know, you never rolled your eyes before you met Emma,” I growled as Agata retreated into the kitchen. “And I wasn’t controlling her. Maybe the situation. A little,” I growled and kicked dust off my boot. “It didn’t matter. There was no future for us anyway.”
“Because you’re famous?” Emma asked. “Because I really didn’t get the impression that she ever cared about that or the rumors.”
“I agree. She seemed very levelheaded about it in fact,” Harrison said.
“She has a lot of followers on her site. She probably has a mild understanding of it on some level,” Emma guessed. “But if you are really into each other, I highly doubt it’s an obstacle that can’t be overcome.”
“They’d never leave her alone. It would be like that forever. I couldn’t … I’m not enough to …” I shook my head.
Emma frowned. “What’s really going on, Charlie?”
I had to trust these two. I had to trust they were here because they cared. “You and Harrison, you’ve moved on. You’ve done great things. I feel like … like I’m a recovering alcoholic who lives on a farm and does jack shite all day long.”
“That’s not true,” Emma said.
“Oh yeah? I work out and play with my chickens. It feels like you guys have both had so much success since, and I—”
“Don’t have anything to offer her?” Emma finished softly.
I shrugged. That was the sum of it. “She’s just so bloody brilliant and brave. And god, so talented.” I ran a hand over my face. “I get so overwhelmed leaving the Vicarage that I’m in danger of going on a binge at any moment. I don’t act anymore.” I gestured to Harrison. “I don’t do shite to save the planet.” I looked back to her. “I’m a lump.”
“You weren’t to Kate. The way she looked at you …” Emma said.
“Me or my fame?”
“It’s not about that with Kate,” Harrison snapped. “Don’t pretend that it ever was.”
I sighed because I knew it was true. It was the excuse I used to push her away.
“You know her better than that,” Harrison said. “Did she ever make any comments before you met her? About how you should be doing something more with your life?”
I shrugged, feeling more and more petulant.
“Does it seem like that’s important to her, you having a career? Is that a deal breaker for her?” Emma asked.
“No. She didn’t seem to care. It’s just,” my throat tightened, “embarrassing. I’m supposed to be a provider. I’m supposed to be producing something or having some big goal to impress her.”
“Can I just say something?” Emma asked.
“As if you could be stopped,” I mumbled.
“You keep saying you haven’t worked. That you haven’t done anything but screw up. But that’s simply not true.”
I felt the old fears tangling on my tongue. The things I never even confessed out loud. “I walked into that set as Freddy Finks when I was eleven years old. I didn’t have to act or pretend. I was just the chubby funny kid. I had a perfect setup and then managed to screw up everything since it wrapped. I never had to be anything else. I don’t even know where the line between Freddy and I stopped.”
Harrison shook his head and so did Emma.
“I feel that way too, mate,” Harrison said.
I looked up to him. “Really?”
