“And the reason for this? Maybe a new special someone?” she asked.
I hesitated. “Technically no. But I’m talking to someone. He lives in England and I don’t think it’s like that. Not for him anyway. Not that it’s like that for me.” I fumbled for words, feeling myself flush. “But we are close. I don’t even know why I said any of that.” I shook my head to clear it. “I have a friend and it’s been nice to chat with him.”
Why had I said that? RC was just a friend. It was probably weird that he was the first person who popped into my head. I wasn’t actuallyseeinghim at all.
But obviously, we had a connection; we’d always been comfortable with each other. There was an ease of conversation.
“That sounds nice,” Gail said. “What does he do?”
“I think he’s retired. He has chickens and a little farm. It’s just a friendship right now,” I added. Unnecessarily.
“Because he’s older?” she asked.
“No.” I shook my head. “I don’t know how old he is, I haven’t seen him.”
I instantly regretted saying that. This was partly why I hated sharing about my personal life. A flash of worry crossed her features.
“Have you heard of catfishing?” Gail asked delicately.
I couldn’t tell her about his gentle refusal to see him face-to-face. With all the facts laid out, this one-sided friendship was pretty damning.
I picked at the remaining crust of my sandwich and answered deliberately. “I have. But it’s really not like that. If he was trying to play me, I feel like he would want something from me. But it’s more that he likes chatting with me because he’s lonely.”Just like I’m lonely.“He has a home caretaker and I wonder if maybe he can’t get around so easily because he doesn’t seem to leave his house much?”
As I spoke, I realized it was true. Maybe that was why he didn’t want me to see him? Was it possible he was ashamed of a disability? I hoped he knew I wouldn’t be bothered about something like that.
“Well. That’s sweet that you’re there for him.” She gave me a gentle smile before her eyebrow quirked and her smile changed entirely. “So then, you aren’t dating Pete?”
I scoffed and looked at her in surprise. “Pete from sales?”
“He’s young and cute and single?” She shrugged innocently. “He does seem to find a lot of excuses to stop by your desk considering I hardly have any reason to work with him.”
“Yeah, but …” I tucked my hair behind my ear.
In shape with short brown hair and appealing symmetrical features, Pete was an office favorite. He was even attractive by normal standards, not the skewed standards of an office that made even an average-looking person better looking with time and familiarity. Plus, Pete was charming and a wiz at his job.
“How could he be single?” I thought out loud.
“How are you single?” she asked with a frown. “You’re far more of a catch, in my opinion, you just don’t let many people see it.” I pretended to focus on my sandwich at her compliment. “You keep yourself isolated. And that’s fine,” she said quickly when I worried it was a criticism. “Obviously this is none of my business and don’t feel like you even need to consider this because I brought it up, but maybe you could go talk to him, just to see if there are sparks.”
“Sparks?” I asked.
“Chemistry. Just because you two look good together on paper, doesn’t mean you’re the right fit. But you won’t know until you try.”
Chemistry. That’s what RC and I had. It made no sense, but we totally had chemistry through just our words. But … what were we even doing with these back-and-forth messages? I had tried to push our relationship forward and it was a mistake. We had a good thing going with our friendship and it didn’t need to be any more than that. It clearly wasn’t any more than that for RC. Maybe he was gently trying to keep me firmly in the friend zone without hurting my feelings. That was fine. I was being silly anyway with this crush.
Pete was right in front of me. And maybe I should have noticed him more. These feelings I’d developed for RC weren’t healthy. It wasn’t even real. It was just me—once again—projecting my fantasies onto someone that wasn’t available.
It was time for me to stop putting my hopes on RC. That was a pressure he didn’t deserve and may lead to us both being disappointed. Time I move forward with my life. I would go have a chat with Pete and see what happens.
9
Eight Months Ago
FROM: [email protected]
SUBJECT: Gutted
