Ugh, I can’t do it. I tried. I’m still just too damn pleased you’re safe and sound.
XOXO,
Kate
* * *
FROM: [email protected]
SUBJECT: Tied for first
Between you and the chickens, you’re moving to the top slot of that friend’s list.
I’m so sorry I scared you.
I promise to never “ghost” you, whatever the hell that means. The only way I would ever stop talking to you was if I was actually a ghost. And even then, I’d probably still haunt you just to annoy you. (And Agata. That would be fun.)
Thank you for understanding and somehow not thinking the worst of me. It wasn’t that I hadn’t meant to send you that message, I just meant to clean it up a bit before I did. I was … at a very emotional point. I’d been traveling and not feeling well, and I saw all your emails, and it only made me feel worse.
Your attempt to be mean was very cute.
I didn’t know the person who gave me the pills. Some friend of a friend. They probably didn’t know about my issues. I used to hang around a different sort of crowd. Not bad people, just people who didn’t care about me as a person, more as a means to an end. They aren’t at fault. I could have said no. Which is another reason I find it difficult to leave the house. It was a test, and I failed.
Now. Can we please never talk about this again? There have been a lot offeelingsgoing around lately and it’s becoming unbearable.
Agata and the kids say hello.
RC
* * *
FROM: [email protected]
SUBJECT: A distraction
RC,
Ew. Feelings. How American. Maybe I’m rubbing off on you just a little too?
Say hi back to the fam from me <3 I bet they were all so happy to see you.
So. I promise to move on but if you ever want to talk about the funeral or anything else from that trip, just know I am here to listen. You never have to sensor yourself with me, okay? Also, it wasn’t a test, and you didn’t fail anything. You literally did exactly what you should have when things started to get out of control. So stop beating yourself up. It’s not going to change anything.
Now, I’m done.
MOVING ON.
This feels gauche in light of everything you’ve been struggling with, but I finished my book. I mean, it still needs to go to an editor but … if you want to read it? God, I’m so sorry if this is completely out of line. I’m sure it’s terrible. Not that I’m fishing. I don’t want you to lie to me just because you think you have to be nice. I want you to be honest. If you even want to read it. You totally don’t have to.
THIS IS SO UNCOMFORTABLE. Worse than feelings.
GAH.
XOXO,
