Giving in to him, no matter how much I wished I could, felt like cheating somehow, like the wrong choice. It couldn’t be good and easy. It had to be hard and bad.
“I don’t get to make this choice. I can’t just pick a family who doesn’t belong to me. This isn’t an open casting call for a family, Harrison. These are real lives and real people, and Collette isn’t mine.” I sobbed out, surprising me so much that I covered my mouth with a hand.
“You are wrong about that,” he said. “I know it’s scary to love her that much. It scares me too. But Collette isyours. Even if I’m too much, even if you don’t want me”—my head shook as he spoke. He had no idea how wrong he was—“don’t let her be wrapped in those fears. Remember that you are the person she needs. Be the person you searched for as a little girl. And I hope you can figure it out before it’s too late. That child loves you. I love you. I don’t know how many different ways I can say it until you believe it. But I love you.”
“Stop. Please stop.” I shook my head, and my whole body shook. This was too much. Too awful. Love shouldn’t feel like this. “I can’t keep doing this. Every time you leave, I feel less like myself.”
“Then I will quit. Is that what it will take for you to have faith in me? I would have quit when I met you. Say the word and I will.”
“That’s not funny.”
“I’m not kidding,” he spat. “I want you, Frankie. I want you and Collette and George and that bloody messy house and folding towels and corny jokes and burned cupcakes and chaotic mornings. I want getting her ready for school and steamy summer days by the pool and back pain from falling asleep in that kid’s awful bed and everything else that comes with it. I’m not a joke. I want you to believe that.”
I laughed and cried. “I’m not asking you to quit your job, Harrison. I just—I want to do the right thing. What are we even thinking? This was always meant to be temporary.”
“Does that help? If you keep saying it over and over. If that’s the lie you need to tell yourself?” Harrison was rarely this sharp, only when he was absolutely rigid about something.
“Harrison. I’m trying to do the right thing here.” I closed my eyes tighter, and tears streaked out. “But you’re breaking my heart.”
“Yeah, well, you already fucking broke mine,” he shouted.
The line rang in the silence. I turned my head away so he couldn’t hear the gasp of pain. Still hiding my feelings, still afraid to hurt and be hurt.
“Just-just wait, okay?” he asked. “Fuck. I have to go but please just trust me that we can talk through this. I’m not going to leave like your mother. Okay? I’m not Joey. Youknowme. Stop trying to push me away so you can be right. Would you rather be happy or right?”
“I told you that in trust.”
“I told you things too. Because we are in a relationship, Frankie. That’s what people do. They share and argue and they communicate. Just because you’re scared and we’re fighting doesn’t mean I’m leaving and not coming back. That’s not how people operate. Will you please just tell me that you understand that?”
All this was to avoid pain and here we were both miserable. What am I supposed to do? I wished somebody would come in and tell me what to do and fix all this. “Can we really have this life?” I whispered. “It feels too good to be true.” And as I said it, I realized how real that fear was.
It wasn’t that I believed it was meant to be temporary. It was that I didn’t believe anybody could be this happy. Certainly not me. Who was I?
“God, I bloody hope so.” He sounded so much lighter, and I was able to take a deep, shuddering breath in. “We’re in this together, okay?”
I gasped out but nodded.
“Are you nodding?” he asked softly.
I sniffled a laugh. “Yes.”
“Okay.” He let out a sharp breath. “Okay. Fuck. I have to go. I’ll be back this weekend. Please. Just please, let’s talk then, okay?”
“Okay.”
“I love you, Francesca. It’s all going to be okay. You aren’t alone,” he said.
I shuddered in a breath. “I’m sorry.” I shook my head. “I’m so sorry. I’m just all alone here and all in my own head. And the deadline for Collette and the book is coming, and I don’t want to screw everything up, and I’m sorry.”
Once I said it out loud, I understood that was what was happening. That was the pressure that caused me to lash out. Trying to control one aspect of my life when I felt no control over the rest.
“It’s okay, love. It’s okay. I will be there soon. I love you,” he said.
I steadied myself, deciding for once to be brave like he was. Strength in a way I never imagined for myself. A different sort of courage found only through vulnerability. “Harrison, wait.” My whole body shook as if I’d been out in the Arctic. “I-I love you too.”
There was a beat of silence in which I thought my stomach might liquefy. Then he huffed a deep gasp of relief. “Bloody brilliant.” The smile became full brightness through the line.
I’d said it, and it was okay. I was okay.
