“You don’t think this is related? Come on. You make plans. They cancel. They make no effort. It’s always you. That’s shitty, and it hurts.”
“They’re just busy. They have real families.” They were hard to coordinate with, but that didn’t mean they were bad people. Even thinking that made me feel like a bad daughter and sister.
“That’s bullshit, and you know it.”
“I-I have nothing here to offer them.”
“Mari, this isn’t about you. You are a badass. You get shit done. They just suck. Look at my family. They come in all shapes and sizes but are there for me. They love me in spite of it all. But family isn’t always blood. Sometimes the family you’re born into just plain sucks. So you find the family that doesn’t. You keep looking until you find people who fight as hard for you as you do for them.”
A tight pain clenched my throat closed. If it wasn’t about them being busy, then it just meant I wasn’t worth the effort. I wasn’t worth sticking around for, not even to my own blood. And if they wouldn’t choose me, nobody would.
“What’s wrong with me that I’m not worth the effort?” I asked, voice small and pathetic.
She squeezed my hands. “It’s not you. Some people are just broken. Too in their own way or concerned about themselves.”
“But—”
“No buts.” She poked my arm. “Some family is made in an instant of meeting. You know they are meant to be a part of your life. Some family grows naturally.”
I thought of Janice and Leo. Their relationship was beautiful, and their unconditional love never ceased to astound me. “I see your point.”
“Do you? Because if family is people showing up for you time and time again, who is that in your life?”
“Leo. Time and time again.”
“Exactly. You want to be chosen, but you never let yourself get picked. If you look at things in a different light, maybe one not so tinged by the hurts of your past, I think you’ll see that Leo has made you his family. When have you chosen him?”
“I—” I flushed with shame. “I don’t need to. I’m with him every day. I have completely opened every part of my life to him. I feel like I’m some cold, distant planet, unable to be explored.”
“You aren’t cold or distant, but sometimes you have to say things out loud. Have you flat-out told him how you feel about him? Have you told him how much your family has hurt you?”
“I don’t like to talk about it. It’s humiliating to admit that I can’t keep anybody around. I don’t want him to realize something is wrong with me.” Saying it out loud made it seem so juvenile.
“Pretty sure Leo has seen all sides of you. Remember the Fall Festival? Or when he pulled you from a biker? It’s not like you are only showing your most flattering angles.”
I snorted.
“When you first started hooking up, did you not make it clear that you didn’t want a relationship?” She was being lawyer-like, and I didn’t appreciate when the defense was against me.
I winced. “No. But. He should have felt it.”
“Maybe he did. But he might also need to hear it. Like you need to hear it. You often talk about having hard conversations, but here’s one coming at you. I love you, obviously, but sometimes you are all talk. You say that you want honesty over everything else. You just wish that people would speak their mind, but what about the fact that you don’t tell your family you wish you saw them more? What about Leo? You act like you aren’t anything serious, but things couldn’t be more serious. That man is deeply in love with you. He has turned his whole weird recluse life inside out for you. Yet you’re so sure that if you told him your feelings, he would still leave.”
Boom, mic drop.
The cold night sent a shiver through me. Not her incredibly chilling words.
“Mari, I’m not trying to be hurtful. I want you to be happy. I think you’re pushing Leo awaybecauseyou like him so much. I think he’s the best thingthat has ever happened to you, and you’re freaking out a little. It’s totally understandable. You fight for everyone, making you fearsome in the most kick-ass way. But it’s time you fought for yourself too.”
She was right. My feelings for Leo were unlike anything I’d ever felt. The fact that he continued to show up was terrifying because it felt too good. It’s easier not to have the fear, but not necessarily better.
“And what about Cath’s audition?” I asked after a minute of swirling thoughts.
“Give her the chance to talk to you. Regardless, I hate to say it, but Leo is right. She’s an adult. It’s her choice. You can’t control this. Trust that she will show up. Don’t push people away before they can even show up for you. You aren’t forgettable. There is nothing wrong with you. You found your people. Let them help.”
Truth washed over me in a painful wave, but in that pain was a sort of relief. What if I did trust that somebody could return the love I felt for them? What if I could be brave in this part of my life too?
I would go to the audition as planned tomorrow. I would trust in the people I loved.
