He went on, “I don’t pretend to know what it’s like to be a woman in this world. I’ve never been catcalled. At least not by a sleazy biker. And I imagine that’s only the tip of the injustice iceberg. But ‘should’ is a dangerous word.”
When I didn’t say anything, he said, “Emotions don’t have value. Good or bad. They just are. They need to be acknowledged before you can let them go. Maybe if you ever had your feelings of anger validated, you wouldn’t need to feel like going to extremes to be heard.”
My mouth fell open.
“That was . . . shockingly profound.”
I frowned in thought, recalling the many times I was told to be quiet, smile to seem nice, or make myself as small as possible to even avoid being noticed. I felt the need to make a scene because I never felt like anybody was listening to me. It was that same helpless feeling as when I was young, and my brothers would talk over me. Or when I tried to talk to my mom about something and she’d say, “There’s a plan for everything” and “Don’t get so worked up about it.”
“I never had this temper before when I was younger,” I admitted. “In the past few years, it feels like...like I can’t pretend anymore.”
“Pretend at what?”
“To be nice. And sweet. Maybe I’m just an angry person.” My throat felt tight. How else could I explain this temper that seemed to rule me lately? “I’m just not nice.”
“You’re an incredible and giving person, Mari. I think bad shit happens sometimes, and you were never taught how to express your anger. What would happen if you were allowed to be angry?” He tapped my sledgehammer with his toe. “Let’s see.” He eyed the room. “Or I’ll call dibs on the TV.”
I roughly pushed him aside. “Nice try, little drummer boy. That’s all mine.”
Chuckling, he spread an arm wide, proffering the room. He stepped back as I swung the hammer above my head.
“This is for Pin Dick!” I slammed it down with all my might, thrilled with the satisfying crash that accompanied it. The hammer bounced off, shock waves moving through my arms. “Ouch,” I said.
“That’s it,” Leo said, going to the opposite corner.
“Yes! And gross bikers messing up our town!” I screamed as I twisted to hold the hammer like a baseball bat and swung it into the glass screen. The screen shattered, sending debris everywhere.
“There you go!” Leo called over the crash.
Then he got to work on his own side. I didn’t watch but heard him smashing glass.
“This is for sports always being picked over music!” I swung down again, a large panel breaking off the side to reveal circuit boards.
“This is for moving to different cities and not even considering me.” I smashed down on an old plastic wall phone that sat on the table. It exploded in tan and black pieces, a bell ringing in the chaos. I hadn’t even realized I was still upset with my family’s last-minute change of plans. I was so mad to have not even been an afterthought in their decision-making.
“This is for leaving me here all alone while you got to live your big, important lives in different states!” The hammer cracked a sturdy but outdated laptop in half. “For only calling when it’s a holiday!”Whack. “For never remembering my birthday or asking how my life is going!”Thunk.“For starting new families away from Green Valley and never remembering your roots!”
I stopped when I couldn’t see anymore. My vision blurred, and for a second, I panicked, thinking a chunk of plastic had gotten through the goggles. Then a tear rolled down my cheek. I touched a fingered glove to my face and looked at the damp spot on my finger in confusion.
Iwascrying. But I had just been so mad. I’d been pulsing with anger. Andnow this? It was as if acknowledging the anger made the floodgates burst open. I started to sob, shoulders shaking.
“Mari?” Leo stepped to me but kept his distance. “Wait, are you crying or laughing?”
I lifted my head and was grinning like a maniac. “I’m really not sure.”
Absurdity at the situation had morphed my gaping sadness into laughter. Now, I was both crying and laughing so hard I wasn’t even sure what I felt. “I don’t know what’s happening.”
Leo’s shoulders relaxed, and he popped a dimple. “Listen, I’m no doctor. But there’s achanceyou might have some pent-up emotions that needed to be let loose.”
I scoffed a wet laugh and shook my head, clearing the last of whatever the hell that all was.
“That was wild,” I admitted.
My whole body shook with what felt like every passing emotion. Adrenaline coursed through me, and now this shaky post-emotional euphoria was settling in. I felt like I could float off the floor. I felt better than I had in years.
“That was incredible,” I said to myself in awe.
It was just destroying stuff, but it felt like so much more. I felt free to be myself in whatever form that took, even if it wasn’t always pretty, nice, or quiet. I was loud and wild, and I took up space.
