I wasn’t sure what this development meant for our future, and the desire for clarification was on the tip of my tongue all morning, but I wouldn’t rush her. I wasn’t going anywhere. We had time.
When she walked away, the car was too quiet. She took the joy with her. The conversation from the night before settled into my shoulders. Seeing Vander had been such a jolt, and now I was alone with my thoughts. Vander had been the one person I saw almost every day, completely intertwined with my life, only to be gone in a moment.
Imagine my surprise when I pulled up to the house to find Vander sitting on the front porch laughing with Janice. My palms went sweaty instantly. They saw me pull into the driveway. Otherwise, I might have been tempted to keep driving and pretend I never saw him. There was no avoiding it. No Mari to keep me safe. Only Janice waving all too eagerly.
Then I thought of Mari’s tenacity, the full force with which she approached problems. She wouldn’t avoid this any longer, and neither would I.
I parked the car, took a steadying breath, and walked to the front porch.
“Look who’s doing the walk of shame,” Janice called.
“Super inappropriate, Janice.” I squinted in the early morning sun as I came around the corner.
She shrugged, looking all too pleased with herself. Vander ran a hand over his long beard to hide a creeping smile.
“Unless you would like to start delving into both of our free time activities?” I taunted.
Janice stood and stretched. “I have places to be. I’ll bring the car back before you need to get Mari later.”
Vander stood too, hugging her goodbye. “Nice to see you,” he said.
“Nice to see you too, love.” She patted his cheek fondly.
It wasn’t the first time I wondered how the loss of our friendship impacted my mom. The maternal smile on her face told me that she had missed the man who was like my brother.
I hugged my mom and kissed her cheek. “Just listen to him,” she whispered in my ear.
I glanced up to see Vander staring at his shoes, now seated again, forearms on his knees.
“Have a good day. Care to tell me where you’re going?” I asked.
“Nope.” She waved her fingers as she rounded to the side of the house.
After she backed out and waved goodbye again, I moved to sit across from Vander.
The air was thick with silence. How does one start a conversation with their former best friend after months of silence?
Vander didn’t lift his head, but said, “I think your neighbor is watching us.”
“Yeah. She’s a little creeper, but she’s cool.” I lifted a hand and waved it at Clara, who pretended to water her potted perennials. She waved back, not even trying to hide her eavesdropping.
“Seems like a lot has changed around here, huh?” he asked.
I thought of my past few months in Green Valley. How wrong I’d been when I returned. How Mari had shown me all the ways this town had grown. There were still small minds and those clinging to old ways, but there had also been so much growth and a sense of pride woven into so many things. I found myself looking forward to things like the Christmas Market in a few weeks and her band’s winter solstice performance. The concert band had been practicing Tchaikovsky so much that I found myself humming it as I prepared the garden for winter or cooked a new recipe.
“Yeah,” I said, ever the great conversationalist. He cleared his throat. I had so much I wanted to say, but my worst-case-scenario brain was hard at work, muddling the words before they could make it out of my mouth.
I thought of Mari last night in my arms and the look on her face. She had been right. I’d been holding on to this pain for too long. It was time to clear the air, regardless of the fear.
“I’m sorry,” I said, throat tight.
When I mustered the courage to meet Vander’s gaze, he stared at me, mouth parted.
“The way things ended was so fucked,” I said.
He started to speak, but I held up a hand. “I think I just need to get this allout.” He swallowed with a nod, and I went on. “I wasnothappy. I should have been happy, though, you know? And grateful. But I wasn’t. And the more unhappy I was, the more I beat myself up for not being thankful for all we had. I should have wanted the success, fans, and attention, but it was like I-I couldn’t breathe. It was like I was playing a character of a rock star. I didn’t know who I was.”
The words, stuck at first, poured out of me. Vander listened without interrupting, his brows pinched with focus.
