My heart thrashed against my chest. This wasn’t the plan. This wasn’t NYNB. This was all sliding immediately back to the way it used to be. But it was the new year, and I had changed. Owen had changed me when he saw me and when he reassured me that he wouldn’t forget me. That I wasn’t forgettable, butnow he thought the plan would be the same? That he could just take me to Benny Jr.? Not a chance.
I wasn’t going back.
All the warmth and bliss from minutes ago burned away in a flash. My temper drove the show now.
“I’m not going down there,” I said, but nobody heard me over their bickering. Louder, I stepped forward. “I’m not going to Benny. I’m not,” I raised my voice. They all stopped, finally remembering I was there as my voice rang through the air.
Owen nervously flicked his gaze around. “Bee,” he said, putting his palms out to calm me, “I’ll take you and?—”
“No!” This time I shouted it. I was so tired of not being heard. Not being seen. I wasn’t going down this way. I thought Owen was better than the rest. That I was more … just that I was different. “And stop talking about me like I’m not here. Like I’m just some sort of statue!”
Owen winced and looked down.
The other two exchanged a confused look. “We’ll give you two another minute,” Azi said and then stepped back into the bright, cold day, letting in a pocket of cold air that reminded me too much of reality.
“I’m not going down, Owen. I told you that a hundred times.” A violent shiver shook me.
Owen tugged at his hat to scratch at his short hair. “Nothing’s changed. I still have to get you to Benny Jr.”
“Are you kidding me?”
“Are you kidding me, Bee? I told you from the beginning that I needed this job.”
“Did I hallucinate the past few hours?” I said it out loud, but I was mostly talking to myself because nothing else could explain the shift in Owen.
“No. And it was incredible, but I still have responsibilities and people counting on me.” At least he seemed earnest.
“You’re really gonna ship me off to him and whatever bologna he plans for me? How can you be so calloused? You do have a choice here.”
Several looks passed over his features: pain, then sadness, then determination. “It’s not that simple. I need to stay in good standing with him. I need the money.”
“You can get another job, good gravy. You act like being a professional bully is the only option you have. We talked about that. You don’t have to be that person.” I stood to him, chest almost to chest. Well, chest to upper stomach. He had a distinct advantage, but that didn’t slow my temper.
“It’s not so simple for me to change my whole life on a whim,” he said, nostrils flaring as his gaze moved over my features.
“Don’t mock me because you’re too scared to change.”
Owen’s jaw flexed, and he put his hands on my shoulders. He glanced to the door and then back to me, voice lowering.
“I am scared, Bee. But not for me. For right now, for today. I have two rents to pay and no way to pay them if I don’t get this money from Benny Jr. I don’t want to have to do this, but I don’t know what else to do. I really don’t—I can’t have Ivy?—”
I frowned. The wheels turned. “Why are you paying Ivy’s rent?”
“I-I didn’t mean to—Pretend I didn’t say that. I didn’t want to burden you with any of this.”
“Tell me now.” I crossed my arms.
Owen glanced to make sure the others weren’t listening. “Her son took off with her savings last summer. I’ve been paying for her stay at Golden Sunset. But please don’t share that information. Nobody knows except a few people at the home. It’s just temporary until I can get a little saved up and figure out what comes next, but for today, I can’t change the plan. I can’t rock the boat. I need the money he offered for you.” He’d gone almost frantic as he spoke, real fear in his wild eyes.
He looked down, and as the truth settled into me, so did the cold.
“I never meant for things to go so far. I wouldn’t ever want you to think that I was using you or?—”
“I know you didn’t, Owen,” I said softly, voice cracking.
Poor Owen. He had done everything for Ivy. I understood that now. All the little pieces of the night lined up and made more sense. How he would go on the tram when it clearly terrified him. Why he continued to try to get me back down the mountain when all I did was fight him at every turn. It wasn’t about his wants, it was about Ivy’s this whole time.
And I’d been so selfish.
